Sitting on the Edge

I often write about my books in a more personal way. This is one of those times. Perhaps you will recognize yourself or someone you know or love in the blog below. My books are listed on my Amazon Author Page. The link is over in the left hand column. There is also a link to my website....& the +350 Interactive Self-Hypnosis Programs that are available in mp3. These include medical hypnosis, self-development, learning self-hypnosis, programs for education, sports & kids self-improvement. If you need help selecting a program, just let me know.

OK...Day #18 of NHBPM...National Health Blog Post Month. I've stopped thinking of this as "irksome". It's interesting that it only takes 21 days to change any pattern, so I've achieved this....well, almost achieved this on Day 17...yesterday was the first day I felt the sense of enjoyment & freedom. This pleases me because the twisting of arms was never enjoyable & unfortunately I know that feeling all too well. So, what is the challenge for today? I am asked to "write my advice for someone caring for a patient with "my" condition.

I like this assignment. It's a big one & for me, very personal. Because this is a blog...not a book...I'll divide it up as I did in the books I've written of the subject. This is exactly how I went about taking care of myself during very difficult & frightening times.

FIRST - DIAGNOSIS

SECOND - CAREGIVER

THIRD - CARE PLAN First is the discussion of what is called "my condition." That, in itself, makes me smile. While I suppose it could be called a condition, to me it is better named "my sick lifestyle." I'm reminded of a patient who was sent to my private practice. His name was Joe, but I've met up with many patients like Joe, because they were all like me. Sick lifestyles came to be my specialty. The first time I met Joe, he sat down on my apricot colored recliner chair, but he was in no state to recline. He sat on the edge of the chair....you might say he was "on edge." His diagnosis was the same as mine..."sick lifestyle change disorder."

He was 42 years old & had just been discharged from the hospital after his first heart attack. He handed me the referral form from his cardiologist. "Joe needs to lose weight, stop smoking, drinking, over-eating, get off junk food, cut back on caffeine & get on a healthy eating plan, as well as to reduce stress. It would also help if he stopped indiscriminate prescription drug & over the counter meds for chronic back pain & headaches.


OH OH No wonder Joe was "on edge." He knew what was on the paper. It was a bleak diagnosis & prescription. Joe was overwhelmed. The good news was that he was no longer in denial. The heart attack had taken care of that. However, he wanted to believe that all he had to do was "transfer the monkey to my back." Joe wanted me to be his "caregiver" & make all of his problems "go away." Yes, Joe had a naive part, but like everyone else, he knew better. But the resilient part of Joe wasn't anywhere around. He had been abandoned. The changes he needed to make were far too big, too many & he already had a history of failure. I know many people like Joe. I've lived a good part of his life. I understand his distrust. I also understand his lack of belief in his own ability to change, I know how frightened he is, but what I know & Joe doesn't is that he has strong resilience & the fear that fills his body is going to be transmuted "by him" into a very strong power to heal.

It is my job to "coach" him through this, just as I coached myself & have written about in my books & programs. This is the life I was given to experience & the job I've been given to do for others. Yes, I know about "sitting on the edge." It's not comfortable. STEP ONE Joe comes to learn that he is his own "caregiver." He is totally responsible for everything. There are no more excuses or placing the blame anywhere. All of that is over. This is his new reality & Truth. Joe owns his life & his outcomes. This is a huge awakening for people like Joe. I know it was for me. I've written quite a bit about this & certainly my professional writing & counseling covers these subjects in detail. This is a big "letting go" & a major step in "maturity."

Being 42 & a successful business man has nothing to do with maturity. I know this first hand. I was 42, a mother, wife & professional medical practitioner, but in my own self-care, I was not mature. Joe was going to awaken, take responsibility, practice change over & over & fall in love with it. STEP TWO Joe was going to be happy to learn that while he had many things to accomplish in order to get healthy & stay that way, he could/would begin immediately & the changes in his body & mind would also begin immediately. Health is a "progression". Moments matter. Each moment has a thought. Thoughts matter. Thoughts lead to actions. Actions matter. High level health & performance is built moment by moment & Joe would be starting NOW.


I remember this surprising him....now, he moved to the back of the chair. He was no longer on the edge. He was at "full attention" & ready to "get on the bus." For those of you who know my work & images, you already know what I'm talking about. Joe was going to take care of EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME. This idea wasn't completely foreign to him because he already had great resilience. Joe had a past. He build many strengths during this past of his. He was not a beginner in managing things. He knew a lot & had lots of talent. He just needed to go & get it & then apply it to a new set of thoughts & actions. The outcomes would follow.


STEP THREE Joe would need a new organization for his lifestyle behaviors. He already knew about organization. He ran a business. He was also a father & husband. He had many organizational experiences to draw upon. Now, he was going to build an additional organization for his lifestyle behaviors. First, he needed some clean-up & decluttering of things that had made him ill. All of these started with thoughts & then moved into actions. Joe was not born over-weight, smoking, taking drugs or eating junk. He was born in a pure state & now he would begin again. He would clean up his act. It's like taking everything out of a room & then only bringing things back in that are useful, clean & ready to help. Just like in anything else, Joe needed tools for keeping his new organization running smoothly.


There were four major tools & he would become expert at working with them. He also had the choice to do a mediocre job, a good job or an excellent job. His thoughts & actions would determine his outcomes. As we went over choices, Joe was very clear about what he wanted. He now designed a new model for that. He also had tools for keeping the clutter & garbage out. Joe was now living in a new world, a world that he was in charge of & that he kept secure....from others & from his old Self. People often ask, when do I begin....my answer...YOU HAVE ALREADY BEGUN. Pay attention...

MIND VISITING

I'm offering free mp3 Downloads to new members of my "Feature Blog". Today it is The Therapist'sCOUCH. Please send an email to elizrn@international-medical-health-writers.com with Therapist'sCOUCH in the Subject Line. Today's mp3 is about Stopping Procrastination.

I think it would be interesting IF we could all visit inside each other's mind. I wonder if you would like to diagram that visit for us? Don't be shy... I'm busy cleaning & clearing a good part of the library of my mind. This is a gift I'm giving myself for Christmas. OH...WHAT A GIFT ! I remember one year when I did something similar...I asked my mind to show me EVERY FEAR I owned. Some were small, others medium sized & some were VERY BIG. I was aware of most of the BIG ONES, but I was stunned at the number of small ones...especially the very small ones. I honestly thought my creative mind would never finish showing these to me. There was a point when I wished I had never asked for such a thing.....but in the end I wasn't sorry.

 I know very well that it isn't possible to clean & clear without being able to see & confront, as difficult as that might be. So now I find myself wanting to go deeper down. This has been a difficult year for me/us, so I thought...."what the heck." I'm willing to do some very deep cleaning & clearing.

The most difficult thing about this project is being able to "uncover" things, the reason being that they hide themselves in "normality." The Truth is that they are in disguise, so I have to look very carefully. I'm using several methods for this. The most powerful one is deep meditation from the position of my Highest Self & looking down directly on how I want my life to unfold. That image has been very helpful because as I focus on the "unfolding", I can see or feel the obstructions.....& there are many. I'm looking at my life in categories....my relationship with myself, my husband, my children ( this includes Michael )....those of you who know me do know about Michael....then there are other relationships, my home, how I spend my time, my wastes, bad or other habits that are not useful....I've divided them up because I don't like the word "bad." This list continues....

 I've noticed quite a few changes since I've begun this process. Some have been quite dramatic, even painful. For example, my tendency towards impatience has become much more uncomfortable. Yesterday I ended up with real pain in my side that lasted the whole day. Usually I move through my impatience without really noticing the body tension...BUT I do know it is there, but just not noticeable. I also had a rather violent anxiety attack around my need to control certain circumstances....yesterday it was my grandchildren. They are good kids, but have issues that are uncomfortable for me to observe.

On the positive side, I've gone through a tremendous amount of work in my writing, websites, audio programs, etc. My mind is much clearer. I'm sure about what I'm doing & I'm progressing without fear & doubt. This is an improvement for me. OK...time is tight for me tonight, but I will comment more on this a bit later. Hope you are all doing well....

BIRTH ASSETS

My image for today is something I designed for my patients called "birth assets." Few of us think about how valuable we are as human beings. We come into this life with so much value. It helps to remember these, especially when we find ourselves involved in some sort of struggle. I invite you to visit my AUTHORS PAGE on http://www.hypnosis-audio.com

There is also a link to over 350 Download NOW mp3 programs.

 OK...I'm up to Day 13 of NHBPM & getting started a bit earlier with today's assignment. It's a rainy day. I just got to the computer & have about an hour writing time. I break my time into "Pods" or segments....this is how I live my life. For me, it is much easier have a discipline of "system" for moving through. Of course, interrupters happen, but not as often as they did before I put my "system" into place. So, what does this have to do with NHBPM? Well, the assignment for today is... BOOK REPORT:

What's your favorite book & how can you tie it to your health or life?

This is both easy & difficult for me. Writers are usually big readers. I'm both. Sometimes the argument in my head is whether I should read or write. I'm having that "inner discussion" right now. My favorite book is usually the book I'm reading at the moment. Now I'm making my way through "Mind is the Master"...The Complete James Allen Treasury. There are 19 classic books in this one volume...or should I call it voluminous. It's only 866 pages, but it appears bigger. I can't carry it anywhere, not that I'd want to.

 For me, this book is not just about reading. I'm working through it as a journaling exercise...each morning for about an hour with meditation build into the process. I've been writing this way for many years now. It's my special focus time that I dedicate to dealing with my life issues & where they take me. I believe that every issue has a destination, like a bus ticket, only I have some say about the destination. As I heal from my son's death, I've decided on a route to a higher divine experience. This is new for me, so I'm very excited about my ticket. My books are my mentors, spiritual guides & connection to my God-Force. No matter where I go....one of my "books", carefully chosen for the occasion goes with me.

 Here are some of my favorite choices...

 All books by James Redfield...The Celestine Prophecy included. I especially enjoy the experiential guides.

All books by Neville Goddard

All books by Joan Borysenko

All books by Carlos Castaneda

All books by Wayne Dyer

Most books by Julia Cameron

There are many more that live in my library & on my IPAD. Well, you get the idea.

 I also like to read biographies. I like knowing what make's people "tick." We learn from the journey of others. I do read fiction, but pick it very carefully as time is a big issue for me.

I have dedicated myself to finding "a better way to live". This takes a good amount of time, but it especially takes commitment & dedication. For me, this means getting up early so my mind will be in the right place for what I want to accomplish. Nothing is more important to me than this mission, for I believe that by healing my heart & re-structuring the parts of my character & behaviors that I have "ignored"( for want of a better word ) I will find peace & the route to the things I want to achieve in my lifetime.

 BTW, for those of you who read my blog yesterday....about Lily....I discussed her with my husband this morning. As I went deeply into her character, his eyes filled with tears. He gets it...!

Who's Dead?....Who's Not?

I invite you to visit my Author's Page on www.amazon.com There you will find my latest books, some with embedded mp3's. The link is in the left column, along with the link to my website & list of +350 mp3 programs...all in Interactive Self-Hypnosis.

OK...Now I'm up to Day 12 on my writing challenge for NHBPM...National Health Blog Post Month. I feel like I've been writing for the entire month. I'm still trying to uncover my discontent with the project. It reminds me of certain courses I was obligated to take in school & the resistance that accompanied them. I'm well aware that it makes things harder when the attitude is shifted towards "negative." In all honesty to NHBPM, it's not just this project. I also have this same attitude towards other things. Perhaps I'll make a list of them one day. I know I'm not alone in this quagmire.

OK...I'm settling down now.

Today's Assignment - Call BS on something. What's something that is just ridiculous?

I'm finding it difficult to wrap my mind around this. I've been writing a good part of today & so my mind is still in those areas of focus. I'm doing NaNoWriMo, which means I'm re-writing my novel...The Snow Crocus. I'm deeply involved with my main character...Lily. I've re-written her character a few times now & I'm moving much closer to my own inner self.  I didn't intend on this happening & even tried to avoid it, but that part of me & my experiences keep coming up on the page. Perhaps this is something that is just ridiculous.

I SHOULD LET HER SPEAK & LET HER BE HERSELF. Under the circumstances it is just ridiculous to keep pushing her out & denying her the right to "spill the beans." I'm not sure why I felt so strongly about not letting her "be." Part of me didn't want to go back & re-hash these parts of my life. Another part of me didn't want to share this with my husband who is sure to read the book before I publish it. I don't want him to read too much into Lily's thinking & choices.

Lily is about to take her own life. Like me, she has lost her son. Like me, her life has been very difficult. She is grieving, but has come to the realization that her life is "flat." Her relationships are flat. She has no purpose or desire to aspire to anything. As Lily explains it, "It's time to write the last paragraph, place the period at the end of the sentence & end the story. This is what she writes in her journal on "her last day."  Obviously, this is the juncture where Lily & I part ways.  I'm nothing like her, but I do "get her." I know those feelings. I've lived them before in other circumstances.

While I never thought about ending my own life, I can understand wanting to do that. I have deep compassion & understanding for people who find themselves in deep, dark places. I've been down in those trenches, but there was always something that I was able to grab to pull myself up.  I know it is only a few short steps from that place to the final period that closes the book.

I think it is important for me to allow Lily to express these dark emotions. Not to do so is "ridiculous." For me to have any fear or reservation around this is ridiculous. This is part of my creative process. So...to follow my assignment for today....IT IS BS NOT TO FOLLOW MY CREATIVE PROCESS & TO ATTEMPT TO DENY IT ACCESS TO THE STORY.

Lily is not unlike many women I know. As I mentioned, I do know parts of her intimately. She is a woman who has always worked to everyone's pleasure. What's interesting about Lily is that even she doesn't know that she hasn't been happy because she hasn't experienced TRUE JOY in her life. She simply doesn't think deeply about things like that. She is too pre-occupied in daily tasks. And then, she suffers a major loss that literally "cracks her shell." The true Lily comes seeping out of the cracks & for the first time she no longer cares about pleasing anyone....as her anger subsides, she finds herself in no-mans land, living among the dead...where her son now resides. As her husband Todd screams at her...."You might as well be dead Lily." Little does Todd know that Lily has already considered this."

Now that I have everyone depressed, do know that Lily is about to go on an incredible adventure through her mirror...guided by an angel she met early on in her life. The story is filled with angels who wander amongst us, watching & waiting for the right moment to take charge & bring new rainbows into lives without color.

So...I'm DONE WITH RIDICULOUS.

The Self-Bully

I'm on Day 17 of the "Blog Quest." It's already evening & I'm not keen on having to write this. I fully intended to move through this in the morning, but "life" got in the way.

But, it was more than "life"....it was my "self-bully" & it is still here as I force myself to write this blog. I usually don't talk about this part very much, although I have mentioned it in passing. I don't keep emotional secrets from my groups, or from anyone. I did that in the past & paid the price....a very dear price.

 I just don't hang out my laundry every day...unless there is a reason. Today there is a reason... Day 17 Subject...List my strengths & weaknesses. OH MY....is this a coincidence or is my Spiritual Higher Part editing the subject list? OK...I'll take the bait. I could have skipped this & gone to the subject replacement list, but that would have been somewhat dishonest, since I've made the commitment to tell my Truth, so here it is.

I have a rather "toxic" SELF-BULLY. Like any other bully, it so enjoys "cornering me & letting me have it." Sometimes it's verbal & other times physical. Today it is both. It started early this morning & now it is evening & is still picking fights with me, disallowing me to be at peace. A few minutes ago it defied me to expose it to my blog. It told me that I'm such a loser & now everyone will know who I really am in real time. It is snarling as I write. I WRITE ANYWAY. I'M TAKING AWAY IT'S POWER NOW...RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT.

I attempted to do this several times today, but in order to do this I need quiet space. All inner battles are won in meditation & silence...going to the divine place & being with the Highest Part of the Self. Then, visualizing the ultimate peace & joy & then entering it. Staying there, as the black drops leave my finger tips, transmuting into golden flecks. I'm doing this now as I sit here. The SELF-BULLY has moved away from me...just slightly....eyeballing me, looking to notice if I'm really in the divine place. It is right not to believe or trust me because it knows my habits from the past. I would pretend to manage it by locking it in my mind-closet, but that is not the way. Locking the SELF-BULLY up simply makes it stronger.

My SELF-BULLY looks forward to the closet scenario because it loves to become stronger. Then, the next time it appears it will have a better strangle hold on me. So today was spent listening to it's vile tongue playing out in my thoughts, as I went through my busy day in a parallel existence to it. To get my full attention, it dropped a bottle of windex on my toe when I was emptying the cart in the crowded super-market line. I could see it waiting for my loud response, but I continued to stay parallel...which is sort of neutral, but not quite. In that mind-body position I can sense the body tension building.

This is not good, but unfortunately I couldn't move into the divine place at that time...of course I could have gone for a few moments, but that wasn't going to be enough to diminish this showing of the SELF-BULLY. When the BULLY is in power, or taking advantage, all sorts of things go wrong. This was what happened today. I had mp3 orders to fill & the software clogged up. It was one thing after another. The transfer system I use for sending mp3's upgraded their system, losing all of my stored files, contacts, etc. THE SELF-BULLY LOVED IT. Then, my darling grandsons came for a surprise visit, wanting to play some games I designed for them. My body became more & more tense.

THE SELF-BULLY LOVED IT, spewing nasty comments into my mind about what a bad person I was & how I can't manage my life, etc. Vile, vile. Then, I forgot the bed sheets & didn't get them into the dryer, meaning that I'd have to do all the beds in the evening that is reserved for my writing...like RIGHT NOW. My body aches from the tension that has built up throughout the day, but NOW....I have the upper-hand. I relax deeply into the moment. A very deep cleansing breath. Appreciating the good news that because I'm so tense & have put up with this negative part of me for the entire day,

I have a lot of energy to release & therefore transmute. That is the positive part of high stress levels. I go very deeply down...deeper than usual & as I go deeper, the Light of Divinity showers me, glad I'm here & knowing what I need. I'm washed in Light & I feel myself lifting off the chair. My heart is filled with love & joy....I know the Truth & I am no longer locked in the passionate prison that kept me prisoner for so long. I'm self-aware & know where "home" is located. I'm there now. As I stay in this wonderful environment, I'm reminded of the power of both strengths & weaknesses & how they both benefit. I DO GET IT. I notice the SELF-BULLY sitting over there, black drops dripping off it's fingertips that transmute into golden sprinkles.

I'm reminded that the weak part of me who pretends to be strong is also in need of traveling "home." I'm finally at peace... ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beneath the Pain Lives Joy...

It seems like yesterday that I was a baby sitting in my carriage & then a little girl....then a teenager....then a college graduate....then a married woman....then a mother....then ?

How time passes & how many memories are "contained" in that time. I come upon this subject today because of my commitment to NHBPM...I'm in the second week now...Day 9. BTW, the links to my eBooks, etc. are in the left hand column, so be sure to have a look at Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It HYPNOTICALLY.  There are 8 books in all....some with embedded mp3's.

Each day we are given a choice of two subjects to choose between. The first choice for today was about Creating a Community Care Package. Eh...didn't tweak my heart. Anyway,  I think I covered that yesterday. Of course, I could cheat & build on what I wrote. I'm excellent at cheating. Just ask my "disorderly eating issues." I'm a "headliner in cheating & hiding." But...that was long ago & I have no desire to go back to any of that. So...

Choice #2 - Tell a descriptive story about a memory.

OH GUSH!  As soon as I read that my memory bank went on "high alert"....and like a water faucet, the memories poured out, each one wanting to be chosen. I often call this "runaway brain syndrome", but today, I was honored that so many memories wanted to be written about. Now, I had to set up some criteria for choosing. I do take my writing seriously. If I'm going spend time compiling a descriptive story, then I want to choose well. After all, this is going to mean at least twenty minutes of my time.

 I thought about happy memories, teaching memories, early memories, those belonging to my teen & college years. Then came the marriage & mothering memories...each one certainly deserving consideration, BUT for some reason non of them wore the first place ribbon. I needed to look further....one stood out...the memory of being told I had multiple pulmonary emboli when just the day before I had met a woman who had "one" pulmonary emboli & I remember telling myself that I "couldn't imagine having a life-threatening condition like that." The memory danced around in my head, but then the "memory door" opened & there it was. Standing all alone...the most important memory of all.

Let me share this with you, not because it comes into the sad category, because if we look closely together, I'll point out some other aspects & the very reason why this is the memory for this blog.

I invite you to enter my body & mind on this particular day. It was a fall day, quite like today. I always loved fall & missed it when we lived in Florida. On this day I'm standing outside a fieldstone church surrounded by trees & the last remnants of flowering bushes. A large SUV pulls up carrying the remains of my son Michael. I only knew this because I noticed the young funeral director driving into the parking lot. I walked away from my husband & greeted Tom.  "Is Michael with you?" I asked, thinking at that moment, "What a silly question." "Yes, he's in the back. Bill will help me bring him in." Bill was the man who performed the cremations. I'm sure I've written about him before.

I remember thinking, "How odd that this rings of such familiarity. Tom & Bill & Mike in the back of the SUV. One would hardly think we were talking about what we were talking about. Tom continued, "We'll bring Mike in & then we'll meet up in the chapel." I remember saying, "OK", as if there was anything else.

I've often written about "moments" when things change radically, like one's head spinning on the top of one's neck. One of these moments is about to happen, so if you are inside my body, you will sense it. In hypnotherapy we call this a "shift." Simple word for something very major.

I opened the door of the chapel & entered. In that very moment I realized that I had taken charge. Yes, I was Michael's Mother & I was going to continue to take care of him just like I had done from the moment I gave birth to him. I was no longer the victim of this tragedy. This was no longer about "how sad this was or what it had done to my family, or anything else."...it was all about Michael & how I was going to take care of this part of his life.  I had been very frightened of this moment, thinking that I wouldn't be able to do what I was being called upon to do. I remember thinking, "How could I? No one would blame me. I could just escape all of this. Even Tom told me that I didn't have to do anything. They would take "care of it." Of course they could. Isn't that the way in all aspects of life? Someone else CAN COME & RESCUE YOU or, if no one comes, you can just STAND THERE & DO NOTHING? Right...

Remember Bill? He didn't see it like this. He had pulled me aside a few days before, when Mike's body was still in transit from Colombia & told me, "You can do this & you will never, ever be sorry. I KNOW YOU CAN." It was Bill's voice we're hearing now as we walk towards the coffin holding Michael. Bill's voice, "You are Mike's Mother. Don't forget that. He depends on you to be there for him." And then, "I'll be there with you." What an incredible man. He said what no one else could have said to me, even those who love me. Here's the difference. My family would have allowed me to escape, but Bill gave me a certain courage....like a coach. This man who cremates people was coaching me to take my beloved son to that final place.

I remember explaining to my family that this was what I was going to do & they could either come or not. Of course they came. They stood by while Bill & I lit the candle & transferred the coffin. I was being Michael's mother....& this was the second time I felt the closest to my son....at his birth when I held him in my arms for the very first time & in this incredible, blessed, spiritual moment when I held him in my heart. To be a Mother is to always Be a Mother & what a wonderful GIFT it is.

Pick Up Your Feet

I just went to check the mail. IT IS SO COLD HERE...! My heart goes out to anyone who is living on the streets or in a home without proper heating. For those of you who haven't experienced what we call a Nor'Easter, this is what it feels like. Wind gusts up to 75 mph, sleet hammering at the windows & doors, snow piling up...trees bending to the ground under the weight of nature's delivery.

I'm sitting at my desk & facing my deadlines. I've moved past the publication of eight eBooks & now I'm in the middle of a series I had planned on writing a few years back. It's time. The links to those books are over in the left hand column. I'm in the middle of re-writing my novel that I wrote to honor my son's life. It's time. I'm starting Week #2 of The National Health Blog Post Month. While I'm enjoying this, I'm finding the "mind shift" not as pleasant as I would like, BUT this is what happens when we make commitments. We start off feeling energized & excited, but then we hit the wall somewhere in the first few weeks. Now, no one twisted my arm to get involved in this project & I did expect to "hit the wall." In a way, I wanted to have this experience for each time we "hit the wall" & move forward with "heavy feet", we get better at just about everything.

Today's CHALLENGE - Write a Letter to Your Health... I like this subject. I spend time writing to my health each morning, so this isn't anything new for me. What I find even more interesting is my health writing back to me, so I'm thinking to reverse today's challenge & instead, have my health write to me. In fact, I think I'd like to have a conversation. OK?

EB - I'm very grateful to you for responding so well after the high level stress we have been through together. When I think back to those days when I treated you so poorly, I sit in awe of how you fought back until I finally listened.

MIND-BODY - You were difficult to reach during those years. Much had to do with unhealthy patterns that were formed early in life, especially those that went unnoticed. It didn't help that your family did some of the same things, causing you to think they were OK. Remember the decades when you didn't connect your body systems to your eating, drinking & "those other things?" We screamed at you, but for some reason you went to medicate in other ways. There was a part of you that wanted to stop, but yet you didn't stop. There seemed to be such a disconnect between your mind & body. It was strange to experience this, especially since you are intelligent & well-educated.

EB - Yes, the disconnect is now something I study on a daily basis because I still experience it on occasion. When I made my "big changes" several decades ago, I actually found it easier. Changing everything was easier! Wow, even writing that seems odd. Now, I have to weed out those areas that are often hidden away, many of which don't want to be seen. They hide behind my good habits, as if if it is OK for them to be, because the rest is done so well. I find this in areas of both mind & body. And now, I'm beginning to see their connections. I also feel the intensity behind their desire "not to be noticed." If I am to climb to a higher level of mind, body & spirit, I do have to weed these out.

MIND-BODY - If you like, we can help. But, here's the thing. If you agree to wanting our help, you will need to pay attention & make the changes...even if they are small. If not, we simply won't be motivated to work in this way with you. Think about it. So many times people just say "yes yes", when they really have little intention or desire to make the changes.

EB - So, let me clarify something. If I say that I want you to show me the "weeds", will you also give me a workable plan & energy to make these corrections? Will you be sure not to send all of them at the same time? I don't do well with being over-whelmed.

 MIND-BODY - Your questions are understood, but unnecessary. You will never feel over-whelmed. Everything comes in the form of peaceful awareness, bringing it's own motivation, so there is nothing for you to do except to be the observer. EB - Well then...I am more than ready & I'm actually excited to see these areas. I already feel lighter, as if rocks were taken out of my backpack.

MIND-BODY - Correct ! Once things come to the Light, the journey is quicker & enjoyable. Light brings Freedom from the weight of those things which are hidden. So, is it a deal?

EB - Yes, most certainly. When do we start?

MIND-BODY - We started a few paragraphs ago. Pick up your feet & move along now. Sense the lightness....new shoes!

Who's In Charge of Teaching Me?

How we learn & who gets to teach....! Here's my Aunt Anna teaching us how to carve a roast. OK....now, we are in the middle of a snow storm. I'm looking out the window & thinking cold thoughts, happy that the election was yesterday & not today. My eBooks, etc. are linked in the left column. New books will be available soon....the thoughtWARE Series is on my desk. I think you will like these. They will also come with "apps"....so you can carry your thoughtWARE in your pocket! I'm also busy catching up on writing deadlines, etc....most of which I set for myself as I am an independent writer & publisher. But...we all need "self-discipline, systems & rules." If not, we go nowhere. And so... I'm still in involved with the National Health Blog Post Month, known as NHBPM. Sounds right to me. Here's the challenge for today.... CHALLENGE - REDESIGN A DOTOR'S OFFICE OH....OK. When I read this subject I thought, "Oh, I don't have much interest in this, but then after thinking about it, I realized that I had quite a bit of interest. Here's why... When I left my work in the hospital & my department of staff development, I opened my own private practice. At the same time I began my first website...this was several decades ago. I had very specific ideas. My son was in charge of building the website as I had no idea about computers, etc. I remember the first time I went online...very scary. I told him that I wanted to build an "educational center online." His response..."Mom..you don't know anything." Well, maybe I don't, but then again, maybe I do. I certainly know what patients need. In short, he followed what I told him & the rest is history. When I left the hospital things were changing dramatically. Patients no longer spent weeks getting better. They were simply "in & out." Many hospitalizations were done as out-patient procedures, leaving little or no time for nurses to do their job, which to my mind was & still is "healing, health & prevention teaching." One barely had time to speak to the patient. Everything was about admission papers & then discharge. At the very most, we gave patients a discharge plan which was less than basic. Nothing was designed specifically "for the particular patient." When I opened my private practice I took great pride in a very detailed admission interview. My appointments were one hour, but the admission appointment was 1.5 & sometimes 2 hours. I always left the time open...just in case. Some interviews took longer than others depending on the complexity of the problems. Yes, some were simply for smoking cessation, but let me share this. There is no such thing as "simply" in any medical issue. If I was going to help a patient stop smoking, then I had to go "underneath" the addiction to the root causes & this needed to be exposed in the opening interview. The same with eating issues & weight loss. The body was storing fat for some particular reason & so my job was to uncover those particulars. If the patient came for poor concentration or pain management or lack of confidence....I needed to go underneath the presenting symptoms & locate the probable cause or causes. So...back to the design of a doctor's office...for this is the challenge. Each doctor needs a properly trained "intake nurse." She or he doesn't take the place of the papers one fills in when seeing the doctor for the first time. It is the job of the intake nurse to do the "all important" interview. This includes personal & family medical history, nutritional history, addictions history, behaviors & habits, stress-indicators & how the patient currently manages his or her life issues. This includes relationships with significant others, children, extended family, work, social issues, etc. The job of the nurse is to do a thorough examination of the patient ( clothes on ). It's a talking interview...the most important kind. The nurse will uncover diet history, eating habits, strengths, weaknesses & anything else the patient gives forth....& the patient will do this in the proper environment. Then, the nurses job is to organize this information for the doctor & make out a provisional nursing care plan for that patient. This will include needed education, community resources & anything else that will assist in managing the patient's total care. Then, the doctor does the medical issues. The idea that a patient goes to the doctor "only with medical issues" is extremely outdated. For example, a doctor is not going to manage a patient's cholesterol level just with medication. The doctor will not manage IBS just with a colonoscopy & medication. If patients are to get well & if we are going to cut back on the expense of patient care, then we need nurses who are trained to do this work or assessment.....& the idea that nurses' aren't available for this is ridiculous. This is what all nurses did or do when patients are admitted to the hospital....or at least they did when time allowed for proper care. I would also like to see nurses provide patients with the information or tools that they need to learn to take care of themselves & family. This would include written information, CD's, webinars & classes made available in the doctor's office. I have talked to MD's about this with always the same answer....no money, no insurance coverage, no time, etc. I never accept the NO ANSWER. I believe there is an answer & to state this more strongly, THERE MUST BE AN ANSWER. Doctors purchase new furniture, computer systems, TV's, etc. for their offices. So, this is my addition to what is truly needed. I don't just "think" this, I know it from my own experience. If I could do it in my humble office & online on my "educational websites", then I can't take NO for an answer when my salary was not anywhere near those of the MD's I've met along the way. For those who are new to my writing, I'm in the middle of this monthly blog experiment. I invite you to my Team...Sugar & Food Addiction. We are all about getting to the bottom of eating issues & changing outcomes permanently. Please join us.

Taking the High Road

I just came back from voting. It always feels good to practice citizenship...& how about the people in New Jersey, New York & Staten Island...if they can VOTE, then so can everyone! Before I get into today's blog, I want to remark on "personal resilience." Working with people with disorderly eating & other major problems, I am always moved by how much personal power we each harbor inside ourselves & how we seem to be blind to what we are made of. Today, I ask you to look inside yourself & honor that area of "YOU." Now, I continue along with meeting my writing deadlines, getting ready for some workshops in January 2013 & in June. Working far ahead, but in the meanwhile I'll take a few minutes for my NHBPM project. Today's CHALLENGE - Write about a time you had to take the high road... I was thinking about this when journaling this morning. Many experiences rushed into my mind, wanting to be "the one" chosen. It was funny to watch them push each other around...."I'm more important than you." "No, I'm more important." I finally decided to just sit back & let the experiences decide between themselves. Here is the result of the outcome.... now, I may look like a little girl sitting on a tree stump, but there is power in that stump ! TAKING THE HIGH ROAD... When we moved to Florida I had difficulty finding a job that aligned with my career path. I never expected to have this problem, but the reality was that I couldn't find a job. In addition, I needed health insurance & a wage that didn't leave me feeling that my employer was taking advantage of me. I sent out almost a hundred resumes, to no avail. Finally, I accepted a job as a visiting nurse. It didn't take me long to understand why that job was available. There was more wrong with it than right. I also figured out that when adding up all the hours, I actually made more money babysitting in high school. Then, I got a call about a better paying job...one with a desk in an air-conditioned office & no weekends or beepers or night calls.I even had a title & a business card...Director of Quality Assurance. I readily accepted it. While the pay wasn't great, I accepted the reality & got on with it. A few months into the job I began to notice certain "happenings" in the office. The long & the short of it was that I was working in the middle of a Medicare & Medicaid Scam & now I was given assignments that involved my participation. Of course, I said "no", but what I didn't know was that I now "knew too much" & that meant that I was now seen as a "dangerous person." What followed was extraordinary in my life experience, as I know little about criminal life. I had decided that I had to get out, but this was not going to be as easy as just quitting. My name was on certain papers & my license, credibility, integrity & career were at stake. As life would have it, it got worse before it got better, but strangely enough this worsening gave me an unexpected exit. One day after going to the ladies room I was called into the director's office. There were two people waiting for me. The receptionist had already warned me that she had been told "not to put any calls through." My antennae were up...& rightly so. I was handed a work review that was filled with lies & distortions & told to sign it or "I would be sorry." I refused. Then, one of the men stood up & raised his fist at me & said, "This is what you are going to GET if you don't sign it." Now remember, I was sitting down with him standing over me. I remember being shocked, like I was watching some movie. At that moment the phone rang & he leaned back...swearing at the receptionist who defied him. As he grabbed the phone, I ducked under his arm & ran out of the office, locking myself in my office. Then, the receptionist told me when it was safe, so I left the building & got in my car. I drove home, thinking what to do. I could certainly quit, but I would never feel safe again. Or, I could go to the police & get a restraining order. I did both, but the police called the FBI & told me to get an attorney. OH OH...talk about the High Road, but I still wasn't on it. The Attorney told me that I had to return to work the next day, pretending that nothing had happened. Meanwhile, actions were being taken by all the authorities. I honestly didn't believe I had the GUTS to walk back in that office & pretend like that, BUT I did. I can still see the look of the faces of everyone. There I was like nothing happened....ho hum. Then...two hours later it began....FBI agents, police, hospital administrators, yelling, screaming & yes, swearing at me. STILL NOT THE HIGH ROAD.... Everyone was fired but me. I was given two months off, but then told that I had to go back to work there for three months before they would give me a letter of recommendation. Again, I didn't think I could do it. Again, I was wrong about myself.... So, when someone asks me IF I can change my eating habits, give up sugar & junk food & walk a new path to permanent lifestyle change....I SAY...YES I CAN!

Hide and Seek

Oh....that desire and search for one's "true Self." Perhaps that's a reason why I'm journaling again. Tossing off all the encumbering coats, hoping the person I'm looking for is somewhere underneath.

My "journal master" finds this a delightful subject, encouraging me to put pen to paper. This subject has always intrigued me and I do admit to being on this journey, but it's been a long hunt and wondering if this is just one of those never ending, fruitless games life Farmville. Never enough crops, buildings or animals. Do self-searchers have levels like farmers? Wondering what those statistics say about my progress....and is it progress that I'm looking for OR is it the true treasure....my true Self.

Life is both long and short. Considering if there is actually such a person, and if so, where is she and how can I find her. Is she living in an exact place on my time-line? Is this all nonsense? Should I care?

Then wondering IF she truly exists, do I want to find her? And, for what purpose? Suppose my true Self doesn't get along with my husband, kids or anyone else. What if she doesn't like my career choices and has desires that aren't within my means? What then? More stress? Since I can't imagine anyone free of problems or issues, does she have a new variety for me to deal with? Certainly don't need that.

Remembering the time when I had psychotherapy after being very ill. No longer knew how to be well. Remembering my family not approving of the "new me." I imagined myself a chameleon, changing back and forth, of course, always to please others. My psychotherapist likened me to a caterpillar who was turning into a butterfly. No wonder I was more confused than ever. So much for looking for my true Self.

I ask my pen to answer "do true Selves have eating disorders?" Wouldn't mind being free of that. Life without bingeing or craving junk. Now, that might be worth leaving town for."

That last question must have popped the cork because I'm told that it is time to go deeper down the spiral staircase. Reminds me of my mother when she had enough of me. Yes, I know how to do this, so catching up with my deepening breath, I sit comfortably allowing the breath to take me deeper down. Pleasurable sensations as the body opens, releasing stored tension. The mind quiets, stillness prevails. Comfortable, like being inside a protective womb. Noticing the thoughts going down the path, to a place where thoughts go. Relieved of their duties. Probably exhausted from residing in my super-active mind....like traffic in Times Square.

Finding myself on the golden path and going in the direction of the light. This is where I usually meet up with my emotions, both negative and positive. But, today things are different. My past and future paths are filled with people of different ages, even babies being carried in baby-backpacks. I'm surprised that the very oldest people are walking without any help or devices. While they look old, their energy and spirit are obviously high. I'm confused regarding the number of people and return to my journal to clarify what's going on.

When journaling hypnotically, the pen writes by itself, without any efforting on my part. The question is known before even asking. The people are taking the places of the emotions. The ones from my past path are sitting on the left. Those from the future path, sitting on the right. According to my pen, other than the obvious, this holds no importance. It's not like one side is negative, the other positive as when the emotions appeared. They are simply divided into past and present. The youngest baby is my birth self. The oldest woman is my last self. Each individual carries two books. One represents what they have come to learn; the other what they have come to teach.

"Oh....then...my true Self is somewhere in the crowd?"

The pen writes, "Your true Self is everywhere...in the self-images and in everything else. It has no boundaries. It is not your body, your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, your habits, behaviors or addictions. While it is present in those things, it is not those things. Your true Self is a spiritual essence. Look to the light."

Rays coming down, infusing all who are present including myself. Or, whoever I am, for at this point I know nothing at all, except that "I am."

This knowing is both old and new. I can't say that I didn't know this, because I did, but to sense this in the inner environment where I now find myself, is new. Yes, I have felt the connection before, but not in this way. The difference seems to be the presence of my time-line people. These are my mentors, both past and present. The two books that they hold are filled with gifts for me. A new understanding emerges. The books will guide me forward, even the books of the past individuals. Exactly how this will happen is not clear to me, but I'm assured that all will happen as it is meant to be....now that my connections have been made whole.

Phantom KickBall

Oh...the critical nature! Yes, I've had the top professors...

There are so many different ways to play kickball and just as many self-made rules. Here's one. "If you kick harder you will win." And..."If you aim the ball at a person's head or solar plexus, you'll score a "knockout" and you will win." In other words, "destroy." This is the credo of those at the top!

It's just amazing how many people play kickball. For many, the game is on auto-pilot, so they are not aware that the game is in progress. Some never stop playing, so there is no break or recess. I happen to know quite a few of these players. I grew up in a household full of them. I'm never comfortable in their presence and in a way, that saddens me because it was difficult to know their positive gifts or attributes. Yet, I still delight in playing with many likenesses....it's easier when they are not family. It's easier to kick the ball harder.

A well-trained kickball player knows all aspects of the game and types of players. Some people kick hard EVEN WHEN they don't have the ball. It's as if they have a right to go around kicking at whatever they perceive is in their way. To me, these are the ugliest players of all. I call them phantom players. Truth... I've never known a phantom kickball player to win anything.

Why am I journaling about kickers? Am I blocking something...oh, another kickball term. Sometimes I don't know why certain subjects come off of my pen. However, even though I don't know consciously, there is always a reason and so I'll go and find out. There's sure to be a gift for opening any hypnotic journal topic.

Putting my pen down and looking forward to going deeper down... I've had a rough and tumble few days and yes, I do feel like I've been kicked in the head. Now that I take the time to notice, even my body is sore, like I've had a rough game. It always amazes me how sore my body can get without my even noticing. That's how stress works...blind-sided! Oh...another kickball term. How interesting. Remembering that I've been hanging around some major players, and although I took some delight in kicking back, they do tire me both mentally and physically. Take Dolores for instance. At 90 she's a finely tuned player, only second to my mother. That's probably why I find her so enjoyable. I can actually "kick" her without fearing retaliation. In fact, I sense that she respects me as a player, probably because I remind her of her younger version. Had lunch with her and came home with a major headache. Most likely the intensity of the game. !

Kick my mother....kick mySelf.

My "journal master" takes possession of me now. ( another kickball term?) Leading me down the spiral staircase with my breathing technique. With each step, my breath becomes deeper inside my lower abdomen, like a balloon that goes up and down with it's own rhythm. I enjoy balloon breathing and would like to just stay with this, but my "master" waits for just the right level of relax before leading me down the path to the ballpark. The ballpark?? My pen vibrates on my paper. It's "as if" it is getting ready to write on it's own.

"What's on your mind?" Well, for most of my life I've either been kicked around or have spent a good amount of time on defense, avoiding being kicked. The theme of our home. Through the years I've gotten very good at maneuvering, moving mySelf down the field, even getting possession of some balls and scoring. What's interesting is that I never seem to enjoy the scoring part. I like the maneuvering and for some reason knowing this bothers me. I seem to look for these opportunities, instead of just taking on the management of my own life. Yes, I do like to play around with criticizers. It's "home-grown-familiar!" But, the games are exhausting.

It's almost like a craving....addiction....something wanted, but unwanted. Not just unwanted, but despised. Yes, I despised this part of my mother's behavior. It took lots of therapy for me to be able to separate her from her behaviors. But yet, I still find mySelf headed to the ballpark. Looking to release on my old angers? This can't be healthy!"

What does my pen have to say?

"Kicking and maneuvering allows me to feel something. It's intense behavior. I can also kick and run. Attack and hide. My mother did this all the time. Attack and then not speak to me, sometimes for weeks. I remember repeating her behavior. Yes, it's very dramatic, but causes much to much anxiety for me. She must have been made of steel to execute that maneuver."

Remember, you don't have to follow your mother or the teachings of anyone else. Instead think...What do I choose for mySelf?

What would it be like to stop this completely?.... I mean, be free of kickball. No more trips to the ballpark. What would I do instead? Would I miss it like a smoker misses cigarettes? If I really choose to stop that would also mean not "talking about it". No more impressing others with stories of hot-winning games of hit, run, maneuver.

It would also mean letting go of the prodromals....the fear attached to the attack or potential kicking of others. This is big for me and is the crux of a good part of my anxiety. Am I also addicted to this? I can feel the flow of adrenalin. Is my body also used to this? Am I a fear or adrenalin junkie?

Remember, when big boxes are opened, the immediate response is often unwelcomed, but the end result is healing. The box I just opened is very, very big, especially to my origination child. But, I'm no longer that child and I choose to believe.

Apple Carts & People Pleasing

Oh, these darn "apple carts."

As I wander around my life areas, the carts seem to be strewn all over the place. I'm stunned to even find them in my Adult or Teacher Self area. What is this telling me? Of course I know without even asking my Journal. I'm a born pleaser. Even in areas where I excel, I'm so careful not to upset others. In fact, this has matured into a skill of mine. Yes, I'm an expert at not upsetting others.

How do I do this?

By "super-policing" ...noticing early indicators upset in others....perhaps even before they do. I remember someone telling me that I would make a wonderful "English butler." Taking care of everyone's needs, real or imagined, even before the need was born. Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.

The rationale in my conditioned mind goes like this. " IF all needs of others are met, then there will be no interruption in whatever it is that I want to do for myself." And..."if all apple carts are kept upright, then no time needs to be spent picking up the spilled apples." Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.

Question. How to resign from my "English butler" duties and what about those apples that will inevitably spill because there is no butler? Who will keep the carts steady or be responsible for picking up the apples?

Answer. "No one."

As for resigning, consider it done. No one can Journal in this area and not resign. It's a given. This is the power of Inner Hypnotic Journaling. Uncovering a block or unwanted behavior or habit, then releasing it. While you may find yourSelf missing your butler uniform, notice that it is no longer "fitting."

"OK, but what about the apples?" Another indication that it's tough to let go.

"Let the apples roll where they may. You will soon come to realize that the large majority of them don't belong to you." Oh, my control issue appears. The part of me that wants to own and rule all the apples. If I take ownership, then my life will be easier. Another ridiculous story of my conditioned mind. My tired body and mind speak out. "All this apple tending is exhausting. It would be a huge relief to just let go."

All of this looks good on paper, but what about in real life. Questioning if I would really be able to just look the other way when the apples fall and roll. Will I feel guilty? I'm so used to caring for everyone and every thing.

Obviously my desire to control is not going to go quietly into the night. This is such a huge conditioned habit, one that can be traced back to early childhood. "Keep Mommy happy and you will be happy," goes the story. "Upset Mommy and life will be hell for everyone and you will be the cause." Early apple cart training.

Early stories are often very potent and best cared for in deeper trance, so I choose to go there. When the childSelf makes her appearance on the pages of my Journal, this is an indication that a deep release is possible. When she hides, then things are more difficult, so riding my breath now....going deeper down with ease, as if she is helping me to get there quickly.

She's waiting for me as I disembark from my traveling breath. A bit scruffy, but obviously a very responsible child...too responsible for her age. Reminds me of images of children laboring in factories and fields. Uncomfortable to see this. It's a lucky day for me. She is opening the "origination door." This is the earliest mind program. The program that started the need to please. The door is very heavy and I offer to help. "No, I can do it," she says. I find mySelf crying. She's so independent for someone so young...or is she? Sensing this is another part of the mind program. "I must pretend to be strong so I can take care of everyone and every thing."

I push the door open with her. Never again will she be expected to do these things....never again. We find ourSelves in the living area of our house. Our mother is lying on a chaise meant for the garden, making the scene even more imbalanced. Garden furniture belongs in the garden, not in the living room. Mothers don't do these things. Symbols of chaos despite the quietness. Is mother dying? In the eyes of the child, the mother symbol is already dead. The mother is severely depressed following the untimely death of the father. The mother is very angry, but holds it in place below the depression. The father died on the child's birthday and the child is held hostage in the mother's memory bank, as the two are linked together for life.

The child's job is defined by the mother. "Mother is sick and so, be a good girl and keep mother happy. Can you do that?" Of course, I know the child's reply. I've lived it.

Lesson Plan...No apples must fall from the cart. If the apples are kept steady, then things will be better. Always tend to the cart first before doing anything for yourSelf, for the mother is the most important person. If the mother is upset, she will also die and the child will be responsible. The child will become an expert at caring for the cart and all apples will be her responsibility.

I kiss the mother good-bye and take possession of the cart....flipping it over and watching the apples roll this way and that way. The child is frightened, but as laughter fills the image, the child begins to smile. Falling apples are not the end of the world...

Meeting the Imposter Self

Automatic Journaling opens the mind in new ways. There's always some surprise waiting. My "Journal Master" points to that ridiculously big folder of areas where I obstruct. Typical of me....knowing something is asking to be addressed, but I'd prefer not to go to deeply. Like knowing my refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, but it's never the right time. Just another way that I obstruct my progress and growth.

When I first started doing this type of journaling, I rarely touched my most "unattractive areas", but I'm older now and feel more comfortable in my own skin. Still, opening these areas of my life is never an easy choice, but knowing that benefits only come from getting down and dirty, I take a cleansing breath and bring pen to paper. I may be willing to go into an area, such as the obstruction folder, but where to begin? Willingness to take the introductory step is one thing, but where do I place my foot? Now, if a patient asked me this, I would have an answer on the tip of my tongue, but not for mySelf? Why is it so much easier to give advice to others?

My Journal Master is brimming with answers to my questions. Giving me many insights, all helpful. I'm reminded that Automatic Journaling brings answers and plans quickly. It's a very powerful resource....Reminded that's it's easier to be the Teacher Self than the Student Self. The Teacher part brings confidence, focus and Knowledge. While the Student Self may have some Knowledge, it is often not fully developed. The connection to Spirit is lacking. This under-developed part also brings baggage, some of it very old, dank and dark. Reminded that all "carry-ons" must be put aside if one desires to accept Knowledge and then to actually change. These two go hand in hand. Once a rubber band is stretched, it never returns to it's original form. This is a given.

While we all have unattractive or difficult areas, most of us choose not to see them. Common baggage for me includes hiding my truth. I call this my "imposter syndrome." Simply put....pretending. How much of me is pretence and how much is truth? How much is Student, how much Teacher? If I'm playing my therapist, parent or colleague/friend role, this can set the stage for "pretending". Some pretending scripts read that "everything is fine in my life. I'm free of problems. I'm better than you." All hog-wash. When I am in those roles, I can sense my "imposter Self" roaming around behind me with the sign...liar, liar. Thinking, if people really knew the "real me" what would they think? Just about to feel guilty about this when my "Journal Master" puts up the STOP SIGN.

Lighten up. Truly, life is one big "stage performance". My character changes as the scenes evolve. Sometimes she must slip into Teacher or Parent or Adult Self. Even if this role is not perfect, she gets to utilize the power/Knowledge she has collected to this point. It's rather like the student nurse versus the graduate nurse versus the registered nurse. All take care of the patient from the Teacher Level, but each one is different unto itself. This is also how we grow and mature. There is always a level of pretence. This is the way the mind works. Of course, balance and awareness are key. The student nurse knows she is not the registered nurse, but to the patient, she is a teacher.

I remember having this "imposter syndrome" after my children were just born. One moment I was a pregnant woman and then all of a sudden, I was a responsible parent. How strange this felt. I was both proud of my position, but could feel my "liar liar" Self hanging out in the background. "Be careful you don't kill him. You...a parent?? Don't be ridiculous."

This imposter Self hangs around me quite a bit. It seems that whatever "scene" I'm playing, it's never far away. Cooking for company, being a wife, promoted to a new job, even shopping for groceries....yes, that damn shopping cart. Hoping I won't run into any of my patients who will scan my cart, finding the two packages of Hershey dark chocolate. What does that say about me as a "therapist who specializes in eating issues?" You guessed it....liar liar! ( pants on fire ), retorts the nasty childSelf.

My "Journal Master" instructs me to go to my breath and release the garbage that has dripped onto the page of journal. A good place to clean, clear and organize my mind.

Down, deeper down. Feels good. All of the above resembling a big burp.

As I sink into the chair, the imposter part of me wanders away, shrinking as she goes. With every breath she becomes smaller and smaller. Realizing that I can utilize my breath to shrink her whenever she appears. In the past, I've been afraid of this part of me. She reminds me of Hester Prynn, the protagonist in Hawthorne's "Scarlet Letter." I've worked diligently throughout my life to keep her in the background, but she only became stronger and more insidious. But no longer, for I am in charge of who plays in my moment to moment drama, as well as the script design. I also design the set. Yes, I'm the writer, producer and director.

I'm led to the area for managing Student Self to Adult or Teacher Self. It's a big wall, filled with indicators and control dials. Each indicator is a line having it's own balancing or measuring device, rather like the sound system on my computer. There is a separate unit for the many areas in my life. Some related to health, relationships, money, prosperity, work and separate projects. In some areas the indicator shows that I'm at a lower or student level. In others, I'm well into my teacher/adult level, and others, somewhere in the middle. As I turn a dial upwards, plans appear on my mind screen, showing me the way to become more adept in this particular area. Yes, this is a powerful growth area. It's clean, clear and decisive. Once again, I'm in charge.

The accompanying images playing in my mind are real, now inviting me inside to explore, play and grow. I'm on my way...

Anger Land

Thanks to all who have sent comments to my blog. Unfortunately, I had some sort of a computer glitch & I couldn't respond to you. So...please write to me again.

And now...

Approaching my journal with some angst...

Since I've been working in the Library of Desires and Talents my body has been experiencing even more tension. This is somewhat of a mystery to me and certainly not what I want to experience. I want to be rid of this body tension! It's the reason I returned to Inner Journaling. I thought returning to "fun and games" would bring delight and relaxation to all parts of me. That's why I started off in the early years area. This is when I had time to play all day. Do what I wanted. Even played hookey from school. Sometimes I wish I could play hookey from my current life, but of course, that's not an option. Too many responsibilities. The idea of hanging out in this area of my inner mind was to play hookey of sorts, but instead, I get a super-tense body! Yes, I do enjoy living inside the memories, but is this the only time I get to enjoy? Is this just another escape mechanism like alcohol or eating a bag of chips in the dark?

I am so !@#$% angry today. For those of you who follow my blog & of course, for those of you who live with me....this is obvious.

"Today?" responds my "journal correspondent. "Perhaps you would like to re-think that. Look inside your anger. You will see how long the path winds, through so many years. In fact, you might like to take a walk there, but best wear a protective suit."

I'm somewhat nervous to begin my session today. Yes, I do want to go inside my anger. Knowing this is the way to release, I'm still arguing & resisting. My body already hurts so much and I still don't understand how the tension got to this level, especially since I've been playing in the "theater of my mind" with my happiness toys.

"Why did you play with your happiness toys? What was their purpose?" The questions are clear and on mark. Of course, there was a reason for them, for everything has a reason. Just because I was a little child and lacked insight, doesn't mean that they didn't have their own purpose. Yes, I was escaping even then. Now it's becoming clearer why I am having this body tension. I was looking at my toys "as toys" and not as a mechanism that served me well during those times. Playing hookey was another mechanism to keep me protected. If I didn't have to leave my "toy factory", then I didn't have to deal with what was outside. This included leaving my safety place, or my home.

I'm coming to realize that many of my early issues have not been "cleanup up" and if they have been, it's not nearly enough. No wonder I am so angry. The anger runs deep, like rivers cutting through the middle Earth. Obviously I was not able to approach these rivers as a young child, not even as an adult. I'm realizing that it takes not only courage, but a high level of life experience and insight to walk the paths that go to meet these deep rivers. I'm game for this now, because "if not now....when?" I'm no longer a child, nor a young adult, nor even a middle age adult. It's time and I have both the desire, deep wisdom and freedom from many other weights that allow me to walk into deeper parts of mySelf.

Perhaps this is why I've been brought back to my inner journaling. I find that I can enter by choosing a favorite "early toy." I pick up my kick ball and foot it down the path. Always been good at kickball. Always able to find the hole in the opposition and make the pass for an easy run. Kicking the ball, running forward and sensing the freedom as my feet hardly touch the path. The sign tells me that I'm almost to the "village of anger."

Expecting it to be dark and dank, but it is neither of the two. Actually, it's quite alive with a high level of energy. Many games of intense kickball going on. Players practicing and very focused. Never thought of my inner anger in this way. I've known about my repressed anger for many decades, but I've never been to this area and I'm finding it quite exciting. Yes, the other interpretation of anger could be excitement. The air of forgiveness floats over me, like a breeze refreshing my body and mind. I sense a feeling of respect for mySelf and those parts of me that have been living in this area for so long.

Each player has a history that is written on her shirt. Here are memories long forgotten, but seeds for my current !@#$%%. The youngest parts of me have shirts filled with writing. I'm understanding that these little Selves had no voice and so the writing on their shirts is long and intense. I have the desire to hug them, hoping I can release some of their angst. How old their shirts are and how stiff are their little bodies! I feel tears welling behind my eyes. One child appears dead, and then another appears looking dead. The dead parts of me are now coming forward, too despondent to even play kickball. Yes, it's true. Looking closer at the kickball players. They represent my older or more recent Selves. The older or earlier life representatives are inert. Of course, these are the parts of me that hold me in my depressed state. The other parts, the more recent kickballers, are my more active-angry Selves. I know everyone here.

My journal advocates tell me that it's time to hold a meeting with all parts of me that live in the "village of anger." There is much work to be done here. Much healing. Much release. Much re-programming and education. Now, I'm understanding the toys. They march past me, some from very young years, others from my teens and young adulthood. Surprised, but not really, at more recent toys....each asking me to "follow." Leading me down paths less traveled, but paths that will open secrets long buried.

Cliff Hanging

As I mentioned in my last journal blog, "waking up is both delightful and challenging." Over the past few days I've been stunned to see parts of me that exhale different levels of anger and it's relatives. These are not new, but now I'm seeing/sensing them from a corrected awareness. It's like improving one's eyesight with new glasses. Seeing/sensing clearly can be very uncomfortable. I no longer have a defense system to protect these behaviors or thoughts. I dismantled that awhile back and so I'm left defenseless, embarrassed and saddened by my volatility and cutting tongue.

I rarely reveal this side of me publically. It's saved for certain people, some who are close to me and others who I don't know at all. Like swearing in the car or cursing under my breath when finding mySelf behind someone pushing their cart slowly in the center of the supermarket aisle. Yes, I did notice this part of me before I took down my defense system and I must admit to not liking it, BUT without the defense system my feelings about mySelf are much more intense. It's like waking up and finding mySelf with uncombed hair and dirty hands. Not how I choose to be. It other words, I'm experiencing the "raw me". Boomerang. Smack right in the face.

Bringing this to my journal and wondering what to do with it...

Took some time off this afternoon. Rare for me. If I'm not working, I'm at the gym where my intensity finds an outlet. But not today. A part of me prefers to be quiet, to connect with my Higher Self and journaling mentors. It's "as if" a note was placed on my desk redefining my afternoon activities. No questions asked, just follow the leader. OK

I never know what I'm going to write and actually enjoy that freedom. Tending towards always being disciplined with a whip at my tail, the idea of just going with the flow is both appealing and comes with automatic relaxation. "I don't have to do anything. I don't have to think or act, but just BE HERE IN THIS MOMENT." Remembering that years ago, before learning TM ( transcendental meditation) I would wake up to music blaring. There was no silence in my life....ever. Noise everywhere. When my meditation teacher told me that would have to change, I remember thinking "no way." But, yes "way" and now I look for this special place throughout my daily activities. One of my biggest faults is my compulsive attraction to goals and activities, always working, working, working. Yes, it's true. I'm working now, but this is not the same part of me. The "working working" part of me is sitting over there in a meditative trance, while this "outside part" of me is connecting with my journal connections.

"Never allowing mySelf to be free." Those words appear on my journal page. The toys come forward. Noticing that most of them are "action toys." Competitive, hard working toys that certainly remove me from the intense story of my life, but never offer me complete freedom. "What is complete freedom anyway?" I ask my journal. "Peace and love" is the answer given. "Oh, we always go back to that". My critical nature has taken over. "Why can't you just accept and let go? What do you think will happen?" The first words that come to mind are "that I will die."

Dying doesn't just mean "dying." It means losing out or not having control or being behind others, like in Farmville when someone is at a higher level than I am. Oh my. How I bring this intensity even into silly games that are designed to be a diversion from my work. Now I understand. "Never allowing mySelf to be free." Thinking of some conversations I had just this morning. Everything is so competitive. Tensing the body. Striving. Efforting. An absence of freedom to the body and mind.

"Where do I find this?" My journal correspondent now holds the journal, removing it from my critical nature, who feels somewhat deflated, as she should be. As I receive the answer, I understand why that part of me needed to be removed, because the answer would have made her skin crawl. There are some things parts of my just don't want to hear. Those parts prefer complicated answers with many parts and certainly not what was now appearing all over my journal page. In big, bright letters, I might add.

BREATHE. BE STILL.

As I read those words, I find mySelf entering them, as if each letter was a separate door into the recesses of my mind. My body feels like it is falling off a cliff. My mind fluttering like birds crossing the sky in delicate patterns. Another door, deeper down. Letting go, dying in a sense, but not the dying that has poisoned me for so long, for this is not dying but living. Truly being alive. Tight, nasty emotions are releasing, smiling back at me with love and peace. They also needed to let go. Remembering that they've been tight for a very long time. Some of them hold up "origination signs." That tells me how old they are. Goodness!! No wonder my intensity!

There is a party going on down the path. It's near to the "light" and as I find mySelf going in that direction, I notice that I'm uncomfortable. Realizing that this is like traveling to an unknown country. I'll have to get used to it. Rather like new shoes! Pretty to look at, but uncomfortable for the first few miles!

Pulling the Plug

One never knows when a plug is going to be pulled, or a lesson is going to appear.

Some plugs have more impact than others. But even small plug pulling can provide an opportunity for "roads less traveled."

Yesterday we lost our cable connection. No TV, no internet, no phone. Thinking it would only be for a few minutes, I went on with my life, but after an hour my ansy-Self checked it. "How long is this going to be? What if it is off all night????" And yes, it was. The worst scenario. Having to make "small conversation" through the entire evening. I was stunned to feel my uneasiness and displeasure with having to do this. Of course, I could have read a book or spent some time writing, but I found mySelf more interested in my emotional reaction and the behaviors that accompanied them.

"How will we know when it has been restored?" My husband's concern. So, I wasn't alone in this world of not liking my patterns disturbed. "Let's leave the television on, so when it comes back we'll know immediately." Oh...immediately. Certainly wouldn't want to miss a minute of anything trivial.

I decided to do "nothing of the sort". Instead, inviting my "journal master" to join us, I suggested that this would be a good time for us to converse at some deeper level, I mean something other than what was found on the last refrigerator hunt. Or, what should we do on the weekend, etc. "Deeper level??" Sensing the uneasiness, deciding to ignore the emotion, "just begin" said my "journal master."

Rather like "speak-journaling." Oh...will secrets slip out as I let go or jump off the cliff? "Would that be so terrible...to speak my truth?" Sensing mySelf removing my protective jacket, my words feeling permission to flow. Like opening the faucet. Shifting in the chair, releasing some tight areas, the words enjoying the freedom from the obstructions. Asking mySelf, "How often do I practice obstruction?" Practice obstruction. Now there is an interesting concept. But yes, I do this habitually. There are so many ways to do this. Some are direct, while others in-direct, such as living in my private patterns....that have now been removed by the cable company. The cable company as Therapist. Comcast CEO sitting at her desk. "Exactly what will happen if we turn off the service to homes all over the city? " Her desk? Well, yes. This is more woman-speak. Apologies to my male counter-parts.

My counter-part is waiting in anticipation of what comes next. Now, my obstruction coat is invisible, but I'm sensing that he knows I have it off.

I hand him a copy of my Therapist'sCOUCH blog. I honestly don't know why, but it seems like a good jumping off point for the evening's proposed deeper conversation. " Do you really post this on the internet?" Well, yes I do. "People actually read this?" Well, yes they do. "Why?" I honestly don't know. Perhaps it helps them in some way.

Flowing now...

"I never realized you had so much stored anger that went back to your childhood." Well, it's not something I'd discuss at the end of a work-day or over dinner. Besides, it's my inner work. Things I want to explore and put to rest on my own. Noticing that "inner work" is not a comfortable phrase. Too psycho-babble.

Realizing that as a therapist I have a tendency towards psycho-babbling, perhaps obstructing our relationship at some level. Something I can change. Never really thought about this before. Always so busy jumping from one activity to another. I tend to treat my life as an non-ending marathon that I'm obligated to run and run and run. That's what is great about "therapy", whether it be with a professional or self-administered. We stand still in quiet, non-judgmental observation. We witness our life as it has played out, or as it is playing out. We have the opportunity to spend time in areas that we often by-pass. In this instance my conversational tonality and choice of words. After all, I'm talking to my partner, not a colleague. I also wonder if this is a subconscious way of blocking or obstructing. My answer to this is....yes.

I ask my "journal mentor" to open other areas where I obstruct. Feeling like this is an opportunity to show me other aspects of my Self that will benefit this special journey.

My mentor agrees to oblige, taking out a ridiculously big folder! Oh...

The Self With Two Faces

Approaching my journaling with a reminder of the importance of meditating regularly and asking the mind to go deeper than before. This deepening takes me well below all the emotional garbage that is strewn in my current reality. Much of it has been blocking my creativity and spiritual connections. Just the opposite of what I want. I'm eager to work with my emotional childSelves, but desire to do this at a spiritual level and not from my ego-Self. The first is powerful, creative and healing; the latter offers little of anything.

I'm surprised at my level of anger, as well as the anger than surrounds me. As I become more aware, it's seems like a plague. I've decided to shut off the TV and to stop reading the newspaper for now. Then there are the others who are so contaminated with anger. It's so clear to me now....their "operating systems." My reaction in the past was to move into my defensive mode, fighting to the finish. This is a very unhealthy pattern, one I'm interested in deflating or breaking completely. Of course I realize this is a lot to ask, but I'm asking anyway.

Before meditating...

I'm going to use a technique from my past that worked quite well for me. I call it the "garbage can." Opening my journal, pen on paper, requesting the pen to locate anything and everything that is blocking my mind today. Just a quick mention is all that is needed. The power of awareness. Noticing and releasing, leaving the creative space open. Inviting the Self to enter deeper levels. Lots of junk today. As the pen puts it to paper, all seems rather ridiculous. I've always had a churning mind, even as a child. I feel like I'm vomiting some of this. Some of the same themes hit the paper. First it's the "to do lists"...the never ending "to do lists." But there is more. Here come the things that want to be on the to-do list but haven't been listed as yet. In a way, they drive me crazier than the actual list. Constant shuffling. Never a moment of peace. Needing and fighting to win agreements, things that are wrong with our house, being interrupted and tensing my body as I pretend that it doesn't bother me, which it always does. That's a laugh unto itself. That part of me is hyper-active, just waiting for that button to be pushed. Here comes some more. The need to exercise at a higher level, walk further, harder, push those weights, setting more goals than I could achieve in a life-time. Here they come...the never ending goals, some as dreams, others in parts like wounded soldiers, goals carrying lists, goals pounding on my mind, goals, goals, goals. Goals choking me. Never, ever finished and never will be. I feel the anger rising in my throat...leave me alone. But, they won't because I'm addicted to them, just like my eating disorder. I hate them, but I love them for they are what I am. How sick is this? My "journal master" says nothing. It's as if I never spoke. Feeling like a crazy person needing some sort of restraint. Restraint? Of course. My eating disorder. That is a restraint. Yes, I know all about restraints... I'm requested to "shhhhhh" now...

Meditating and deepening...

"Garbage can" away... following my "master", going deeply into the chair, utilizing the "deeper down dial" that works so well, especially when debris has been removed. The regular dial has five levels, but I an requested to go deeper today where I can enter levels of my spirituality and creativity that have been absent from my life for so long. A special gift, rewarding me for working in this very difficult area and not backing away. Thank you. It feels good to go deeper and the journey is rather speedy, like the express elevator in a tall building. Passing floors that have no purpose for today. Perhaps another day, but not today. I'm grateful, for I am really tired from shoveling garbage.

Arrival...

The elevator door opens and the "Light" greets me. I want to bask in it. I need to, but I'm moved along. The message is "that I don't need anything." I just think I do. I have everything inside of me, including my Highest Spiritual Nature. Sensing a spring breeze touching the top of my head. It's been so long since I've felt a breeze. I've been out of touch, blocked by so much debris and anger, not even noticing. Asleep for it. Like being in a smoke-filled room, unconscious and smothered with the poisonous gas.

Waking up is both delightful and challenging. Asking to see the blockage means being willing to look with acceptance. Not a strong suit for me. I've been fighting for so long. No wonder I'm tired. My biggest opponent is me, mySelf and that part comes towards me. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She is beautiful and ugly, like someone with two distinct faces. I tear as I write this. Something touching my soul. I feel so sorry for her, yet I admire and love her at the same time. Like a mixing bowl of emotions, all releasing themselves. Goodness...

The children come forward carrying their toys. Seeing them in a new light now. Understanding their meaning and importance to the protection and release for the child who had no other way. But, I am no longer that child and so the release must be re-designed. The part of me with two faces shows me some of the ways I've collected anger and how I handled or tried to release it. Try is the operative word, because it was impossible to truly release my anger with inefficient or addictive tools. Instead, they destroyed me further. Now, the two faces me is showing me a living diorama that displays how I even enjoy the anger. Giving permission for entering addiction.

Additional parts of my life experience are becoming clear, like a fog lifting. Realizing much more is opening to me now. I'm grateful, for this is very fertile ground for creative planting.

The Buzz-Saw

There are many libraries in the "theater of the mind" and all are multi-functional. It's good for me to remember that my mind is beautifully organized because most of the time I feel just the opposite. Today is one of those days!

Before I even begin journaling, I'm reminded that sensations of disorder often follow times of great stress or tension and I've certainly experienced that over the last week. Still cleaning up after the electrical fire. Waiting for the building inspector to hopefully close this door. The electrician gave me a magnet reminder to stick on the refrigerator. Not a good idea to keep this in the front of my mind. Besides, who could ever forget the name Mr. Sparky or the jingle that plays on their phone line.

My mind is just leaving the anxiety-mode. Sensing the tension remaining in my body. Like buzz-saws. I've decided to utilize the sensations for going deeper. This is a technique for managing pain, so I'll look at the buzz-saws as a pain sensation, going deeper down as my mind locates the sawing sensations. Starting at the top of the head, scanning down, just like a hand scanner for airport security. I'm stunned at the amount and intensity of the buzzing. This sort of meditative body opening is very powerful and revealing. My shoulders reveal super-sonic buzzing. Of course, so much weight placed on them over the last week. Forgetting how vulnerable the body can be to high stress, and how out of touch one becomes when the stress experiences push themselves to the front of the line. Reminds me of people in the supermarket who would run you over with their carts in order to be first....especially in the bakery.

Thoughts are racing, arguing with the buzz-saw, demanding to be noticed. I observe them passing through my consciousness, as I travel deeper down, like swimming underneath them. Noticing them on the surface of the water, but not caring about their presence. Simply allowing mySelf to go deeper down. When my attention is brought up to the surface, I simply notice and respond by going deeper down. Meditating through mind and body clutter.

Feeling better now. Leveling off. Ready to greet my inner mentors and Universal Mind. While they are always present, it's often difficult to communicate through all of the obstructions brought about by stressors, both big and small. I often forget to notice what's flowing through mySelf and this experience serves as another reminder to stay connected.

The buzz-saw now presents itself to me, asking to be utilized for something useful. This is an example of "transmutation" or changing something into something else. In the body, it represented locked-up stress and now outside my body, it represents a useful tool. I'm understanding that I do have paths in my subconscious mind that have not been tended to over the years. They are over-grown with weeds, brambles and debris. I'm led to one of them, not even knowing where it leads. I'm reminded of how clutter blocks many things in life and how good it feels to get rid of things that often stuff closets, drawers, cupboards, to name a few. Paradoxically, clutter can take over all areas of life without even being noticed. Ask any hoarder...

I'm now wondering how many paths are blocked with over-growth and what lies beyond. My childSelf has appeared, demanding that I leave them alone. Obviously frightened, even though she maintains that she knows nothing about these. Fear of the unknown. Another childhood issue that needs to be put to rest. I'm reminded that the best way to achieve this is to go forward. The buzz-saw buzzes in response. I'll start with what is in front of me and take it from there. The brambles, vines, weeds respond to the buzz, removing themselves with little effort. Reminds me of cleaning out the garage. Items wanting to be released by donation or going to the trash. Realizing that my mind was doing the blocking and not the stuff.

The path bricks are revealed. While a bit dingy, it's clear to me that they are golden or goal-den says the journal. I can now notice a sign directing the way. This path leads to the Library of Desires and Talents. Oh, it's been a long time since I thought about any of this. My life has been so encapsulated around my work, home, relationships and daily rituals. In a way, my life has become tiresome in it's sameness. It's not that I don't enjoy my life, but every room can benefit from a fresh coat of paint.

I'm entering the Library and have decided to spend some time here. I think this is "just what the doctor ordered." Fresh paint...fresh insights into those parts of my life experience that have been ignored. I'm heading for the early years and can sense the idea of fun and games entering my body. Glad that I released the buzzing, so now I have room for taking in the joy that I know is located here. Skating, hop-scotch, my blue bike, clarinet and my kick ball are against the wall. Just like new. Just like "knew."

I Believe in Angels

Beliefs are deeply-held mind programs that work behind the scenes as powerful goals. They originate from many places, some obvious, some not so obvious and others...a complete mystery. I love exploring the history of my beliefs through automatic journaling, especially if those beliefs position themSelves in the middle of my life path. It's almost "as if" they want to communicate with me, perhaps to share something that I might find useful. My Path has revealed some of these, mainly spiritual in nature.

Today's Automatic Journaling...

I ready mySelf to relax deeply into the moment, releasing my mind and body. This is usually easy for me, but this time my conscious Self keeps interrupting, trying to direct the subject matter for my journaling session. This is not the way.

Oh, how I despise being interrupted. And, as for being directed, this is not one of my strong suits, especially if, whatever it is, belongs "soul-y" to me. This is how I view my journal, the front door key to my soul. I've worked long and hard to attain this position as writer, director and producer. In the past, I would stand by the side-lines. Others ran and played with my life. Now, I'm not tossing blame here. I expected and even wanted them to do it. Lazy? Fearful of making mistakes? Always wanting to please? Many reasons to be the actor instead of the director.

Today, it seems that my conscious mind wants to return to that way of being. It's not going to happen. I get up and change my position. Back to the down-breath. Feels better this time....no static interruptions. The thought processes slow, slow, slow. The mind screen a beautiful shade of light blue. Images arising of their own accord. Just letting them do their thing. I don't believe I'm "there" yet. Just passing by images assisting the journey inward.

I'm invited to sit inside a spiral, rather like a slinky. I had one as a child and loved watching it going down steps. Now I'm inside one, going deeper down the spiral staircase. Yes, the spiral staircase. I went down one a few days ago with my childSelf, but this time I'm alone inside the slinky. The slinky-ride is fun. Feeling like a child in an amusement park!

The slinky lands and a door opens. I'm at a different area than before, but I sense this is my Life Path, like someone is telling me that. In front of me is a library-like building with a gold door pusher. I'm already pushing it open. The sign tells me that this is the Library of Beliefs. I'm reminded of the Library of Congress where some of my father's political cartoons are in safe keeping. I sense my father's presence, wondering if this is just a heart-felt desire or something else. Whatever it is, the sensations are peaceful and loving.

As a child, I was brought up Catholic, but my adult conscious Self does not follow any organized religion, but instead harbors strong beliefs in a Higher Power, spiritual teachers and message bearers. Part of me questions the presence of actual Angels, imaging these in a different category from spiritual teachers and messengers. I've often thought what my reaction would be if an Angel Spirit came into my awareness. My current thought is that I would really "freak out." I'm here in the Library of Beliefs to explore that notion and to learn more about me, mySelf and I.

The inner mind houses many different libraries, this being just one of the many, but a very important one to be sure. Beliefs fall into categories. They are housed in sectors of this particular building. It's already known that I am here regarding spiritual beliefs and so I'm ushered into a sector located near to the back. I've come to understand that spiritual beliefs are often very old, accompanying the individual through the birthing process. If newborns could talk, they might relay some of this information, but by the time the baby is old enough to speak, these memories are often in the back of the mind. However, if you hold a baby close to your heart, you may be able to sense the energies released by these. We think of the baby as being precious, but underneath the preciousness one can find spiritual connection.

I'm hear to ask specifically about Angels.

My fingers type direct questions onto my keyboard. Sometimes the answers come through my fingers, other times through the pen that sits on top of my writing journal.

"Have I ever been in contact with an Angel?" I'm somewhat doubtful, because of the Angel image I have in my mind. I'm answered with the words of my own observation.

"What makes you believe that Angels look a particular way?" I honestly don't know. It's just an idea in my head.

I find mySelf in a sector of the library were my Angel contacts are classified by date and time. Wow! I must say that I'm surprised to know how many contacts I've had. I'm told that some of my communication was short, but very important, some even life-saving. Others were short, but with less impact. Others were huge. I pull one of the "huge files" off of the shelf. Yes, I do remember this happening very clearly. I just never thought of it as an Angel Appearance.

It was back in 1984. We had a carbon monoxide leak from three different furnaces in our new home. The house was old, but we had just moved there a few months ago. The furnaces were all replaced, but I had a cough that wouldn't relent. So, I went to stay in a section of the house that was deemed "servant's quarters." I'd been sleeping there for about a week, but the cough persisted. One night I was awakened from a deep sleep. I felt pressure on my legs. There was a blue light surrounding something or someone who seemed to be sitting on my legs. I heard the voice of my step-father who had died about five years ago. The voice was calm, but strong. "Get out of this room right now. The flue is blocked and the contractors did not put the safety switch on the furnace. The carbon monoxide is spewing into the room." His voice went on to tell me exactly the configuration of the furnace, the flue and where the blockage was. He also told me not to call the same contractors because they would lie.

Yes, this is exactly what happened and everything was as his voice told me. "And so, do you not realize that you were visited by an Angel?" I must admit, I didn't realize that. I did know that something spectacular happened that night.

I'm asked to look around this sector of the library and spend some time reviewing other parts of my life experience. "Yes, I do believe in Angels."