Anger Land

Thanks to all who have sent comments to my blog. Unfortunately, I had some sort of a computer glitch & I couldn't respond to you. So...please write to me again.

And now...

Approaching my journal with some angst...

Since I've been working in the Library of Desires and Talents my body has been experiencing even more tension. This is somewhat of a mystery to me and certainly not what I want to experience. I want to be rid of this body tension! It's the reason I returned to Inner Journaling. I thought returning to "fun and games" would bring delight and relaxation to all parts of me. That's why I started off in the early years area. This is when I had time to play all day. Do what I wanted. Even played hookey from school. Sometimes I wish I could play hookey from my current life, but of course, that's not an option. Too many responsibilities. The idea of hanging out in this area of my inner mind was to play hookey of sorts, but instead, I get a super-tense body! Yes, I do enjoy living inside the memories, but is this the only time I get to enjoy? Is this just another escape mechanism like alcohol or eating a bag of chips in the dark?

I am so !@#$% angry today. For those of you who follow my blog & of course, for those of you who live with me....this is obvious.

"Today?" responds my "journal correspondent. "Perhaps you would like to re-think that. Look inside your anger. You will see how long the path winds, through so many years. In fact, you might like to take a walk there, but best wear a protective suit."

I'm somewhat nervous to begin my session today. Yes, I do want to go inside my anger. Knowing this is the way to release, I'm still arguing & resisting. My body already hurts so much and I still don't understand how the tension got to this level, especially since I've been playing in the "theater of my mind" with my happiness toys.

"Why did you play with your happiness toys? What was their purpose?" The questions are clear and on mark. Of course, there was a reason for them, for everything has a reason. Just because I was a little child and lacked insight, doesn't mean that they didn't have their own purpose. Yes, I was escaping even then. Now it's becoming clearer why I am having this body tension. I was looking at my toys "as toys" and not as a mechanism that served me well during those times. Playing hookey was another mechanism to keep me protected. If I didn't have to leave my "toy factory", then I didn't have to deal with what was outside. This included leaving my safety place, or my home.

I'm coming to realize that many of my early issues have not been "cleanup up" and if they have been, it's not nearly enough. No wonder I am so angry. The anger runs deep, like rivers cutting through the middle Earth. Obviously I was not able to approach these rivers as a young child, not even as an adult. I'm realizing that it takes not only courage, but a high level of life experience and insight to walk the paths that go to meet these deep rivers. I'm game for this now, because "if not now....when?" I'm no longer a child, nor a young adult, nor even a middle age adult. It's time and I have both the desire, deep wisdom and freedom from many other weights that allow me to walk into deeper parts of mySelf.

Perhaps this is why I've been brought back to my inner journaling. I find that I can enter by choosing a favorite "early toy." I pick up my kick ball and foot it down the path. Always been good at kickball. Always able to find the hole in the opposition and make the pass for an easy run. Kicking the ball, running forward and sensing the freedom as my feet hardly touch the path. The sign tells me that I'm almost to the "village of anger."

Expecting it to be dark and dank, but it is neither of the two. Actually, it's quite alive with a high level of energy. Many games of intense kickball going on. Players practicing and very focused. Never thought of my inner anger in this way. I've known about my repressed anger for many decades, but I've never been to this area and I'm finding it quite exciting. Yes, the other interpretation of anger could be excitement. The air of forgiveness floats over me, like a breeze refreshing my body and mind. I sense a feeling of respect for mySelf and those parts of me that have been living in this area for so long.

Each player has a history that is written on her shirt. Here are memories long forgotten, but seeds for my current !@#$%%. The youngest parts of me have shirts filled with writing. I'm understanding that these little Selves had no voice and so the writing on their shirts is long and intense. I have the desire to hug them, hoping I can release some of their angst. How old their shirts are and how stiff are their little bodies! I feel tears welling behind my eyes. One child appears dead, and then another appears looking dead. The dead parts of me are now coming forward, too despondent to even play kickball. Yes, it's true. Looking closer at the kickball players. They represent my older or more recent Selves. The older or earlier life representatives are inert. Of course, these are the parts of me that hold me in my depressed state. The other parts, the more recent kickballers, are my more active-angry Selves. I know everyone here.

My journal advocates tell me that it's time to hold a meeting with all parts of me that live in the "village of anger." There is much work to be done here. Much healing. Much release. Much re-programming and education. Now, I'm understanding the toys. They march past me, some from very young years, others from my teens and young adulthood. Surprised, but not really, at more recent toys....each asking me to "follow." Leading me down paths less traveled, but paths that will open secrets long buried.