Phantom KickBall

Oh...the critical nature! Yes, I've had the top professors...

There are so many different ways to play kickball and just as many self-made rules. Here's one. "If you kick harder you will win." And..."If you aim the ball at a person's head or solar plexus, you'll score a "knockout" and you will win." In other words, "destroy." This is the credo of those at the top!

It's just amazing how many people play kickball. For many, the game is on auto-pilot, so they are not aware that the game is in progress. Some never stop playing, so there is no break or recess. I happen to know quite a few of these players. I grew up in a household full of them. I'm never comfortable in their presence and in a way, that saddens me because it was difficult to know their positive gifts or attributes. Yet, I still delight in playing with many likenesses....it's easier when they are not family. It's easier to kick the ball harder.

A well-trained kickball player knows all aspects of the game and types of players. Some people kick hard EVEN WHEN they don't have the ball. It's as if they have a right to go around kicking at whatever they perceive is in their way. To me, these are the ugliest players of all. I call them phantom players. Truth... I've never known a phantom kickball player to win anything.

Why am I journaling about kickers? Am I blocking something...oh, another kickball term. Sometimes I don't know why certain subjects come off of my pen. However, even though I don't know consciously, there is always a reason and so I'll go and find out. There's sure to be a gift for opening any hypnotic journal topic.

Putting my pen down and looking forward to going deeper down... I've had a rough and tumble few days and yes, I do feel like I've been kicked in the head. Now that I take the time to notice, even my body is sore, like I've had a rough game. It always amazes me how sore my body can get without my even noticing. That's how stress works...blind-sided! Oh...another kickball term. How interesting. Remembering that I've been hanging around some major players, and although I took some delight in kicking back, they do tire me both mentally and physically. Take Dolores for instance. At 90 she's a finely tuned player, only second to my mother. That's probably why I find her so enjoyable. I can actually "kick" her without fearing retaliation. In fact, I sense that she respects me as a player, probably because I remind her of her younger version. Had lunch with her and came home with a major headache. Most likely the intensity of the game. !

Kick my mother....kick mySelf.

My "journal master" takes possession of me now. ( another kickball term?) Leading me down the spiral staircase with my breathing technique. With each step, my breath becomes deeper inside my lower abdomen, like a balloon that goes up and down with it's own rhythm. I enjoy balloon breathing and would like to just stay with this, but my "master" waits for just the right level of relax before leading me down the path to the ballpark. The ballpark?? My pen vibrates on my paper. It's "as if" it is getting ready to write on it's own.

"What's on your mind?" Well, for most of my life I've either been kicked around or have spent a good amount of time on defense, avoiding being kicked. The theme of our home. Through the years I've gotten very good at maneuvering, moving mySelf down the field, even getting possession of some balls and scoring. What's interesting is that I never seem to enjoy the scoring part. I like the maneuvering and for some reason knowing this bothers me. I seem to look for these opportunities, instead of just taking on the management of my own life. Yes, I do like to play around with criticizers. It's "home-grown-familiar!" But, the games are exhausting.

It's almost like a craving....addiction....something wanted, but unwanted. Not just unwanted, but despised. Yes, I despised this part of my mother's behavior. It took lots of therapy for me to be able to separate her from her behaviors. But yet, I still find mySelf headed to the ballpark. Looking to release on my old angers? This can't be healthy!"

What does my pen have to say?

"Kicking and maneuvering allows me to feel something. It's intense behavior. I can also kick and run. Attack and hide. My mother did this all the time. Attack and then not speak to me, sometimes for weeks. I remember repeating her behavior. Yes, it's very dramatic, but causes much to much anxiety for me. She must have been made of steel to execute that maneuver."

Remember, you don't have to follow your mother or the teachings of anyone else. Instead think...What do I choose for mySelf?

What would it be like to stop this completely?.... I mean, be free of kickball. No more trips to the ballpark. What would I do instead? Would I miss it like a smoker misses cigarettes? If I really choose to stop that would also mean not "talking about it". No more impressing others with stories of hot-winning games of hit, run, maneuver.

It would also mean letting go of the prodromals....the fear attached to the attack or potential kicking of others. This is big for me and is the crux of a good part of my anxiety. Am I also addicted to this? I can feel the flow of adrenalin. Is my body also used to this? Am I a fear or adrenalin junkie?

Remember, when big boxes are opened, the immediate response is often unwelcomed, but the end result is healing. The box I just opened is very, very big, especially to my origination child. But, I'm no longer that child and I choose to believe.