Cliff Hanging

As I mentioned in my last journal blog, "waking up is both delightful and challenging." Over the past few days I've been stunned to see parts of me that exhale different levels of anger and it's relatives. These are not new, but now I'm seeing/sensing them from a corrected awareness. It's like improving one's eyesight with new glasses. Seeing/sensing clearly can be very uncomfortable. I no longer have a defense system to protect these behaviors or thoughts. I dismantled that awhile back and so I'm left defenseless, embarrassed and saddened by my volatility and cutting tongue.

I rarely reveal this side of me publically. It's saved for certain people, some who are close to me and others who I don't know at all. Like swearing in the car or cursing under my breath when finding mySelf behind someone pushing their cart slowly in the center of the supermarket aisle. Yes, I did notice this part of me before I took down my defense system and I must admit to not liking it, BUT without the defense system my feelings about mySelf are much more intense. It's like waking up and finding mySelf with uncombed hair and dirty hands. Not how I choose to be. It other words, I'm experiencing the "raw me". Boomerang. Smack right in the face.

Bringing this to my journal and wondering what to do with it...

Took some time off this afternoon. Rare for me. If I'm not working, I'm at the gym where my intensity finds an outlet. But not today. A part of me prefers to be quiet, to connect with my Higher Self and journaling mentors. It's "as if" a note was placed on my desk redefining my afternoon activities. No questions asked, just follow the leader. OK

I never know what I'm going to write and actually enjoy that freedom. Tending towards always being disciplined with a whip at my tail, the idea of just going with the flow is both appealing and comes with automatic relaxation. "I don't have to do anything. I don't have to think or act, but just BE HERE IN THIS MOMENT." Remembering that years ago, before learning TM ( transcendental meditation) I would wake up to music blaring. There was no silence in my life....ever. Noise everywhere. When my meditation teacher told me that would have to change, I remember thinking "no way." But, yes "way" and now I look for this special place throughout my daily activities. One of my biggest faults is my compulsive attraction to goals and activities, always working, working, working. Yes, it's true. I'm working now, but this is not the same part of me. The "working working" part of me is sitting over there in a meditative trance, while this "outside part" of me is connecting with my journal connections.

"Never allowing mySelf to be free." Those words appear on my journal page. The toys come forward. Noticing that most of them are "action toys." Competitive, hard working toys that certainly remove me from the intense story of my life, but never offer me complete freedom. "What is complete freedom anyway?" I ask my journal. "Peace and love" is the answer given. "Oh, we always go back to that". My critical nature has taken over. "Why can't you just accept and let go? What do you think will happen?" The first words that come to mind are "that I will die."

Dying doesn't just mean "dying." It means losing out or not having control or being behind others, like in Farmville when someone is at a higher level than I am. Oh my. How I bring this intensity even into silly games that are designed to be a diversion from my work. Now I understand. "Never allowing mySelf to be free." Thinking of some conversations I had just this morning. Everything is so competitive. Tensing the body. Striving. Efforting. An absence of freedom to the body and mind.

"Where do I find this?" My journal correspondent now holds the journal, removing it from my critical nature, who feels somewhat deflated, as she should be. As I receive the answer, I understand why that part of me needed to be removed, because the answer would have made her skin crawl. There are some things parts of my just don't want to hear. Those parts prefer complicated answers with many parts and certainly not what was now appearing all over my journal page. In big, bright letters, I might add.

BREATHE. BE STILL.

As I read those words, I find mySelf entering them, as if each letter was a separate door into the recesses of my mind. My body feels like it is falling off a cliff. My mind fluttering like birds crossing the sky in delicate patterns. Another door, deeper down. Letting go, dying in a sense, but not the dying that has poisoned me for so long, for this is not dying but living. Truly being alive. Tight, nasty emotions are releasing, smiling back at me with love and peace. They also needed to let go. Remembering that they've been tight for a very long time. Some of them hold up "origination signs." That tells me how old they are. Goodness!! No wonder my intensity!

There is a party going on down the path. It's near to the "light" and as I find mySelf going in that direction, I notice that I'm uncomfortable. Realizing that this is like traveling to an unknown country. I'll have to get used to it. Rather like new shoes! Pretty to look at, but uncomfortable for the first few miles!