Meeting the Imposter Self

Automatic Journaling opens the mind in new ways. There's always some surprise waiting. My "Journal Master" points to that ridiculously big folder of areas where I obstruct. Typical of me....knowing something is asking to be addressed, but I'd prefer not to go to deeply. Like knowing my refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, but it's never the right time. Just another way that I obstruct my progress and growth.

When I first started doing this type of journaling, I rarely touched my most "unattractive areas", but I'm older now and feel more comfortable in my own skin. Still, opening these areas of my life is never an easy choice, but knowing that benefits only come from getting down and dirty, I take a cleansing breath and bring pen to paper. I may be willing to go into an area, such as the obstruction folder, but where to begin? Willingness to take the introductory step is one thing, but where do I place my foot? Now, if a patient asked me this, I would have an answer on the tip of my tongue, but not for mySelf? Why is it so much easier to give advice to others?

My Journal Master is brimming with answers to my questions. Giving me many insights, all helpful. I'm reminded that Automatic Journaling brings answers and plans quickly. It's a very powerful resource....Reminded that's it's easier to be the Teacher Self than the Student Self. The Teacher part brings confidence, focus and Knowledge. While the Student Self may have some Knowledge, it is often not fully developed. The connection to Spirit is lacking. This under-developed part also brings baggage, some of it very old, dank and dark. Reminded that all "carry-ons" must be put aside if one desires to accept Knowledge and then to actually change. These two go hand in hand. Once a rubber band is stretched, it never returns to it's original form. This is a given.

While we all have unattractive or difficult areas, most of us choose not to see them. Common baggage for me includes hiding my truth. I call this my "imposter syndrome." Simply put....pretending. How much of me is pretence and how much is truth? How much is Student, how much Teacher? If I'm playing my therapist, parent or colleague/friend role, this can set the stage for "pretending". Some pretending scripts read that "everything is fine in my life. I'm free of problems. I'm better than you." All hog-wash. When I am in those roles, I can sense my "imposter Self" roaming around behind me with the sign...liar, liar. Thinking, if people really knew the "real me" what would they think? Just about to feel guilty about this when my "Journal Master" puts up the STOP SIGN.

Lighten up. Truly, life is one big "stage performance". My character changes as the scenes evolve. Sometimes she must slip into Teacher or Parent or Adult Self. Even if this role is not perfect, she gets to utilize the power/Knowledge she has collected to this point. It's rather like the student nurse versus the graduate nurse versus the registered nurse. All take care of the patient from the Teacher Level, but each one is different unto itself. This is also how we grow and mature. There is always a level of pretence. This is the way the mind works. Of course, balance and awareness are key. The student nurse knows she is not the registered nurse, but to the patient, she is a teacher.

I remember having this "imposter syndrome" after my children were just born. One moment I was a pregnant woman and then all of a sudden, I was a responsible parent. How strange this felt. I was both proud of my position, but could feel my "liar liar" Self hanging out in the background. "Be careful you don't kill him. You...a parent?? Don't be ridiculous."

This imposter Self hangs around me quite a bit. It seems that whatever "scene" I'm playing, it's never far away. Cooking for company, being a wife, promoted to a new job, even shopping for groceries....yes, that damn shopping cart. Hoping I won't run into any of my patients who will scan my cart, finding the two packages of Hershey dark chocolate. What does that say about me as a "therapist who specializes in eating issues?" You guessed it....liar liar! ( pants on fire ), retorts the nasty childSelf.

My "Journal Master" instructs me to go to my breath and release the garbage that has dripped onto the page of journal. A good place to clean, clear and organize my mind.

Down, deeper down. Feels good. All of the above resembling a big burp.

As I sink into the chair, the imposter part of me wanders away, shrinking as she goes. With every breath she becomes smaller and smaller. Realizing that I can utilize my breath to shrink her whenever she appears. In the past, I've been afraid of this part of me. She reminds me of Hester Prynn, the protagonist in Hawthorne's "Scarlet Letter." I've worked diligently throughout my life to keep her in the background, but she only became stronger and more insidious. But no longer, for I am in charge of who plays in my moment to moment drama, as well as the script design. I also design the set. Yes, I'm the writer, producer and director.

I'm led to the area for managing Student Self to Adult or Teacher Self. It's a big wall, filled with indicators and control dials. Each indicator is a line having it's own balancing or measuring device, rather like the sound system on my computer. There is a separate unit for the many areas in my life. Some related to health, relationships, money, prosperity, work and separate projects. In some areas the indicator shows that I'm at a lower or student level. In others, I'm well into my teacher/adult level, and others, somewhere in the middle. As I turn a dial upwards, plans appear on my mind screen, showing me the way to become more adept in this particular area. Yes, this is a powerful growth area. It's clean, clear and decisive. Once again, I'm in charge.

The accompanying images playing in my mind are real, now inviting me inside to explore, play and grow. I'm on my way...