The Self-Bully

I'm on Day 17 of the "Blog Quest." It's already evening & I'm not keen on having to write this. I fully intended to move through this in the morning, but "life" got in the way.

But, it was more than "life"....it was my "self-bully" & it is still here as I force myself to write this blog. I usually don't talk about this part very much, although I have mentioned it in passing. I don't keep emotional secrets from my groups, or from anyone. I did that in the past & paid the price....a very dear price.

 I just don't hang out my laundry every day...unless there is a reason. Today there is a reason... Day 17 Subject...List my strengths & weaknesses. OH MY....is this a coincidence or is my Spiritual Higher Part editing the subject list? OK...I'll take the bait. I could have skipped this & gone to the subject replacement list, but that would have been somewhat dishonest, since I've made the commitment to tell my Truth, so here it is.

I have a rather "toxic" SELF-BULLY. Like any other bully, it so enjoys "cornering me & letting me have it." Sometimes it's verbal & other times physical. Today it is both. It started early this morning & now it is evening & is still picking fights with me, disallowing me to be at peace. A few minutes ago it defied me to expose it to my blog. It told me that I'm such a loser & now everyone will know who I really am in real time. It is snarling as I write. I WRITE ANYWAY. I'M TAKING AWAY IT'S POWER NOW...RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT.

I attempted to do this several times today, but in order to do this I need quiet space. All inner battles are won in meditation & silence...going to the divine place & being with the Highest Part of the Self. Then, visualizing the ultimate peace & joy & then entering it. Staying there, as the black drops leave my finger tips, transmuting into golden flecks. I'm doing this now as I sit here. The SELF-BULLY has moved away from me...just slightly....eyeballing me, looking to notice if I'm really in the divine place. It is right not to believe or trust me because it knows my habits from the past. I would pretend to manage it by locking it in my mind-closet, but that is not the way. Locking the SELF-BULLY up simply makes it stronger.

My SELF-BULLY looks forward to the closet scenario because it loves to become stronger. Then, the next time it appears it will have a better strangle hold on me. So today was spent listening to it's vile tongue playing out in my thoughts, as I went through my busy day in a parallel existence to it. To get my full attention, it dropped a bottle of windex on my toe when I was emptying the cart in the crowded super-market line. I could see it waiting for my loud response, but I continued to stay parallel...which is sort of neutral, but not quite. In that mind-body position I can sense the body tension building.

This is not good, but unfortunately I couldn't move into the divine place at that time...of course I could have gone for a few moments, but that wasn't going to be enough to diminish this showing of the SELF-BULLY. When the BULLY is in power, or taking advantage, all sorts of things go wrong. This was what happened today. I had mp3 orders to fill & the software clogged up. It was one thing after another. The transfer system I use for sending mp3's upgraded their system, losing all of my stored files, contacts, etc. THE SELF-BULLY LOVED IT. Then, my darling grandsons came for a surprise visit, wanting to play some games I designed for them. My body became more & more tense.

THE SELF-BULLY LOVED IT, spewing nasty comments into my mind about what a bad person I was & how I can't manage my life, etc. Vile, vile. Then, I forgot the bed sheets & didn't get them into the dryer, meaning that I'd have to do all the beds in the evening that is reserved for my writing...like RIGHT NOW. My body aches from the tension that has built up throughout the day, but NOW....I have the upper-hand. I relax deeply into the moment. A very deep cleansing breath. Appreciating the good news that because I'm so tense & have put up with this negative part of me for the entire day,

I have a lot of energy to release & therefore transmute. That is the positive part of high stress levels. I go very deeply down...deeper than usual & as I go deeper, the Light of Divinity showers me, glad I'm here & knowing what I need. I'm washed in Light & I feel myself lifting off the chair. My heart is filled with love & joy....I know the Truth & I am no longer locked in the passionate prison that kept me prisoner for so long. I'm self-aware & know where "home" is located. I'm there now. As I stay in this wonderful environment, I'm reminded of the power of both strengths & weaknesses & how they both benefit. I DO GET IT. I notice the SELF-BULLY sitting over there, black drops dripping off it's fingertips that transmute into golden sprinkles.

I'm reminded that the weak part of me who pretends to be strong is also in need of traveling "home." I'm finally at peace... ~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beneath the Pain Lives Joy...

It seems like yesterday that I was a baby sitting in my carriage & then a little girl....then a teenager....then a college graduate....then a married woman....then a mother....then ?

How time passes & how many memories are "contained" in that time. I come upon this subject today because of my commitment to NHBPM...I'm in the second week now...Day 9. BTW, the links to my eBooks, etc. are in the left hand column, so be sure to have a look at Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It HYPNOTICALLY.  There are 8 books in all....some with embedded mp3's.

Each day we are given a choice of two subjects to choose between. The first choice for today was about Creating a Community Care Package. Eh...didn't tweak my heart. Anyway,  I think I covered that yesterday. Of course, I could cheat & build on what I wrote. I'm excellent at cheating. Just ask my "disorderly eating issues." I'm a "headliner in cheating & hiding." But...that was long ago & I have no desire to go back to any of that. So...

Choice #2 - Tell a descriptive story about a memory.

OH GUSH!  As soon as I read that my memory bank went on "high alert"....and like a water faucet, the memories poured out, each one wanting to be chosen. I often call this "runaway brain syndrome", but today, I was honored that so many memories wanted to be written about. Now, I had to set up some criteria for choosing. I do take my writing seriously. If I'm going spend time compiling a descriptive story, then I want to choose well. After all, this is going to mean at least twenty minutes of my time.

 I thought about happy memories, teaching memories, early memories, those belonging to my teen & college years. Then came the marriage & mothering memories...each one certainly deserving consideration, BUT for some reason non of them wore the first place ribbon. I needed to look further....one stood out...the memory of being told I had multiple pulmonary emboli when just the day before I had met a woman who had "one" pulmonary emboli & I remember telling myself that I "couldn't imagine having a life-threatening condition like that." The memory danced around in my head, but then the "memory door" opened & there it was. Standing all alone...the most important memory of all.

Let me share this with you, not because it comes into the sad category, because if we look closely together, I'll point out some other aspects & the very reason why this is the memory for this blog.

I invite you to enter my body & mind on this particular day. It was a fall day, quite like today. I always loved fall & missed it when we lived in Florida. On this day I'm standing outside a fieldstone church surrounded by trees & the last remnants of flowering bushes. A large SUV pulls up carrying the remains of my son Michael. I only knew this because I noticed the young funeral director driving into the parking lot. I walked away from my husband & greeted Tom.  "Is Michael with you?" I asked, thinking at that moment, "What a silly question." "Yes, he's in the back. Bill will help me bring him in." Bill was the man who performed the cremations. I'm sure I've written about him before.

I remember thinking, "How odd that this rings of such familiarity. Tom & Bill & Mike in the back of the SUV. One would hardly think we were talking about what we were talking about. Tom continued, "We'll bring Mike in & then we'll meet up in the chapel." I remember saying, "OK", as if there was anything else.

I've often written about "moments" when things change radically, like one's head spinning on the top of one's neck. One of these moments is about to happen, so if you are inside my body, you will sense it. In hypnotherapy we call this a "shift." Simple word for something very major.

I opened the door of the chapel & entered. In that very moment I realized that I had taken charge. Yes, I was Michael's Mother & I was going to continue to take care of him just like I had done from the moment I gave birth to him. I was no longer the victim of this tragedy. This was no longer about "how sad this was or what it had done to my family, or anything else."...it was all about Michael & how I was going to take care of this part of his life.  I had been very frightened of this moment, thinking that I wouldn't be able to do what I was being called upon to do. I remember thinking, "How could I? No one would blame me. I could just escape all of this. Even Tom told me that I didn't have to do anything. They would take "care of it." Of course they could. Isn't that the way in all aspects of life? Someone else CAN COME & RESCUE YOU or, if no one comes, you can just STAND THERE & DO NOTHING? Right...

Remember Bill? He didn't see it like this. He had pulled me aside a few days before, when Mike's body was still in transit from Colombia & told me, "You can do this & you will never, ever be sorry. I KNOW YOU CAN." It was Bill's voice we're hearing now as we walk towards the coffin holding Michael. Bill's voice, "You are Mike's Mother. Don't forget that. He depends on you to be there for him." And then, "I'll be there with you." What an incredible man. He said what no one else could have said to me, even those who love me. Here's the difference. My family would have allowed me to escape, but Bill gave me a certain courage....like a coach. This man who cremates people was coaching me to take my beloved son to that final place.

I remember explaining to my family that this was what I was going to do & they could either come or not. Of course they came. They stood by while Bill & I lit the candle & transferred the coffin. I was being Michael's mother....& this was the second time I felt the closest to my son....at his birth when I held him in my arms for the very first time & in this incredible, blessed, spiritual moment when I held him in my heart. To be a Mother is to always Be a Mother & what a wonderful GIFT it is.

Pick Up Your Feet

I just went to check the mail. IT IS SO COLD HERE...! My heart goes out to anyone who is living on the streets or in a home without proper heating. For those of you who haven't experienced what we call a Nor'Easter, this is what it feels like. Wind gusts up to 75 mph, sleet hammering at the windows & doors, snow piling up...trees bending to the ground under the weight of nature's delivery.

I'm sitting at my desk & facing my deadlines. I've moved past the publication of eight eBooks & now I'm in the middle of a series I had planned on writing a few years back. It's time. The links to those books are over in the left hand column. I'm in the middle of re-writing my novel that I wrote to honor my son's life. It's time. I'm starting Week #2 of The National Health Blog Post Month. While I'm enjoying this, I'm finding the "mind shift" not as pleasant as I would like, BUT this is what happens when we make commitments. We start off feeling energized & excited, but then we hit the wall somewhere in the first few weeks. Now, no one twisted my arm to get involved in this project & I did expect to "hit the wall." In a way, I wanted to have this experience for each time we "hit the wall" & move forward with "heavy feet", we get better at just about everything.

Today's CHALLENGE - Write a Letter to Your Health... I like this subject. I spend time writing to my health each morning, so this isn't anything new for me. What I find even more interesting is my health writing back to me, so I'm thinking to reverse today's challenge & instead, have my health write to me. In fact, I think I'd like to have a conversation. OK?

EB - I'm very grateful to you for responding so well after the high level stress we have been through together. When I think back to those days when I treated you so poorly, I sit in awe of how you fought back until I finally listened.

MIND-BODY - You were difficult to reach during those years. Much had to do with unhealthy patterns that were formed early in life, especially those that went unnoticed. It didn't help that your family did some of the same things, causing you to think they were OK. Remember the decades when you didn't connect your body systems to your eating, drinking & "those other things?" We screamed at you, but for some reason you went to medicate in other ways. There was a part of you that wanted to stop, but yet you didn't stop. There seemed to be such a disconnect between your mind & body. It was strange to experience this, especially since you are intelligent & well-educated.

EB - Yes, the disconnect is now something I study on a daily basis because I still experience it on occasion. When I made my "big changes" several decades ago, I actually found it easier. Changing everything was easier! Wow, even writing that seems odd. Now, I have to weed out those areas that are often hidden away, many of which don't want to be seen. They hide behind my good habits, as if if it is OK for them to be, because the rest is done so well. I find this in areas of both mind & body. And now, I'm beginning to see their connections. I also feel the intensity behind their desire "not to be noticed." If I am to climb to a higher level of mind, body & spirit, I do have to weed these out.

MIND-BODY - If you like, we can help. But, here's the thing. If you agree to wanting our help, you will need to pay attention & make the changes...even if they are small. If not, we simply won't be motivated to work in this way with you. Think about it. So many times people just say "yes yes", when they really have little intention or desire to make the changes.

EB - So, let me clarify something. If I say that I want you to show me the "weeds", will you also give me a workable plan & energy to make these corrections? Will you be sure not to send all of them at the same time? I don't do well with being over-whelmed.

 MIND-BODY - Your questions are understood, but unnecessary. You will never feel over-whelmed. Everything comes in the form of peaceful awareness, bringing it's own motivation, so there is nothing for you to do except to be the observer. EB - Well then...I am more than ready & I'm actually excited to see these areas. I already feel lighter, as if rocks were taken out of my backpack.

MIND-BODY - Correct ! Once things come to the Light, the journey is quicker & enjoyable. Light brings Freedom from the weight of those things which are hidden. So, is it a deal?

EB - Yes, most certainly. When do we start?

MIND-BODY - We started a few paragraphs ago. Pick up your feet & move along now. Sense the lightness....new shoes!

Who's In Charge of Teaching Me?

How we learn & who gets to teach....! Here's my Aunt Anna teaching us how to carve a roast. OK....now, we are in the middle of a snow storm. I'm looking out the window & thinking cold thoughts, happy that the election was yesterday & not today. My eBooks, etc. are linked in the left column. New books will be available soon....the thoughtWARE Series is on my desk. I think you will like these. They will also come with "apps"....so you can carry your thoughtWARE in your pocket! I'm also busy catching up on writing deadlines, etc....most of which I set for myself as I am an independent writer & publisher. But...we all need "self-discipline, systems & rules." If not, we go nowhere. And so... I'm still in involved with the National Health Blog Post Month, known as NHBPM. Sounds right to me. Here's the challenge for today.... CHALLENGE - REDESIGN A DOTOR'S OFFICE OH....OK. When I read this subject I thought, "Oh, I don't have much interest in this, but then after thinking about it, I realized that I had quite a bit of interest. Here's why... When I left my work in the hospital & my department of staff development, I opened my own private practice. At the same time I began my first website...this was several decades ago. I had very specific ideas. My son was in charge of building the website as I had no idea about computers, etc. I remember the first time I went online...very scary. I told him that I wanted to build an "educational center online." His response..."Mom..you don't know anything." Well, maybe I don't, but then again, maybe I do. I certainly know what patients need. In short, he followed what I told him & the rest is history. When I left the hospital things were changing dramatically. Patients no longer spent weeks getting better. They were simply "in & out." Many hospitalizations were done as out-patient procedures, leaving little or no time for nurses to do their job, which to my mind was & still is "healing, health & prevention teaching." One barely had time to speak to the patient. Everything was about admission papers & then discharge. At the very most, we gave patients a discharge plan which was less than basic. Nothing was designed specifically "for the particular patient." When I opened my private practice I took great pride in a very detailed admission interview. My appointments were one hour, but the admission appointment was 1.5 & sometimes 2 hours. I always left the time open...just in case. Some interviews took longer than others depending on the complexity of the problems. Yes, some were simply for smoking cessation, but let me share this. There is no such thing as "simply" in any medical issue. If I was going to help a patient stop smoking, then I had to go "underneath" the addiction to the root causes & this needed to be exposed in the opening interview. The same with eating issues & weight loss. The body was storing fat for some particular reason & so my job was to uncover those particulars. If the patient came for poor concentration or pain management or lack of confidence....I needed to go underneath the presenting symptoms & locate the probable cause or causes. So...back to the design of a doctor's office...for this is the challenge. Each doctor needs a properly trained "intake nurse." She or he doesn't take the place of the papers one fills in when seeing the doctor for the first time. It is the job of the intake nurse to do the "all important" interview. This includes personal & family medical history, nutritional history, addictions history, behaviors & habits, stress-indicators & how the patient currently manages his or her life issues. This includes relationships with significant others, children, extended family, work, social issues, etc. The job of the nurse is to do a thorough examination of the patient ( clothes on ). It's a talking interview...the most important kind. The nurse will uncover diet history, eating habits, strengths, weaknesses & anything else the patient gives forth....& the patient will do this in the proper environment. Then, the nurses job is to organize this information for the doctor & make out a provisional nursing care plan for that patient. This will include needed education, community resources & anything else that will assist in managing the patient's total care. Then, the doctor does the medical issues. The idea that a patient goes to the doctor "only with medical issues" is extremely outdated. For example, a doctor is not going to manage a patient's cholesterol level just with medication. The doctor will not manage IBS just with a colonoscopy & medication. If patients are to get well & if we are going to cut back on the expense of patient care, then we need nurses who are trained to do this work or assessment.....& the idea that nurses' aren't available for this is ridiculous. This is what all nurses did or do when patients are admitted to the hospital....or at least they did when time allowed for proper care. I would also like to see nurses provide patients with the information or tools that they need to learn to take care of themselves & family. This would include written information, CD's, webinars & classes made available in the doctor's office. I have talked to MD's about this with always the same answer....no money, no insurance coverage, no time, etc. I never accept the NO ANSWER. I believe there is an answer & to state this more strongly, THERE MUST BE AN ANSWER. Doctors purchase new furniture, computer systems, TV's, etc. for their offices. So, this is my addition to what is truly needed. I don't just "think" this, I know it from my own experience. If I could do it in my humble office & online on my "educational websites", then I can't take NO for an answer when my salary was not anywhere near those of the MD's I've met along the way. For those who are new to my writing, I'm in the middle of this monthly blog experiment. I invite you to my Team...Sugar & Food Addiction. We are all about getting to the bottom of eating issues & changing outcomes permanently. Please join us.

Taking the High Road

I just came back from voting. It always feels good to practice citizenship...& how about the people in New Jersey, New York & Staten Island...if they can VOTE, then so can everyone! Before I get into today's blog, I want to remark on "personal resilience." Working with people with disorderly eating & other major problems, I am always moved by how much personal power we each harbor inside ourselves & how we seem to be blind to what we are made of. Today, I ask you to look inside yourself & honor that area of "YOU." Now, I continue along with meeting my writing deadlines, getting ready for some workshops in January 2013 & in June. Working far ahead, but in the meanwhile I'll take a few minutes for my NHBPM project. Today's CHALLENGE - Write about a time you had to take the high road... I was thinking about this when journaling this morning. Many experiences rushed into my mind, wanting to be "the one" chosen. It was funny to watch them push each other around...."I'm more important than you." "No, I'm more important." I finally decided to just sit back & let the experiences decide between themselves. Here is the result of the outcome.... now, I may look like a little girl sitting on a tree stump, but there is power in that stump ! TAKING THE HIGH ROAD... When we moved to Florida I had difficulty finding a job that aligned with my career path. I never expected to have this problem, but the reality was that I couldn't find a job. In addition, I needed health insurance & a wage that didn't leave me feeling that my employer was taking advantage of me. I sent out almost a hundred resumes, to no avail. Finally, I accepted a job as a visiting nurse. It didn't take me long to understand why that job was available. There was more wrong with it than right. I also figured out that when adding up all the hours, I actually made more money babysitting in high school. Then, I got a call about a better paying job...one with a desk in an air-conditioned office & no weekends or beepers or night calls.I even had a title & a business card...Director of Quality Assurance. I readily accepted it. While the pay wasn't great, I accepted the reality & got on with it. A few months into the job I began to notice certain "happenings" in the office. The long & the short of it was that I was working in the middle of a Medicare & Medicaid Scam & now I was given assignments that involved my participation. Of course, I said "no", but what I didn't know was that I now "knew too much" & that meant that I was now seen as a "dangerous person." What followed was extraordinary in my life experience, as I know little about criminal life. I had decided that I had to get out, but this was not going to be as easy as just quitting. My name was on certain papers & my license, credibility, integrity & career were at stake. As life would have it, it got worse before it got better, but strangely enough this worsening gave me an unexpected exit. One day after going to the ladies room I was called into the director's office. There were two people waiting for me. The receptionist had already warned me that she had been told "not to put any calls through." My antennae were up...& rightly so. I was handed a work review that was filled with lies & distortions & told to sign it or "I would be sorry." I refused. Then, one of the men stood up & raised his fist at me & said, "This is what you are going to GET if you don't sign it." Now remember, I was sitting down with him standing over me. I remember being shocked, like I was watching some movie. At that moment the phone rang & he leaned back...swearing at the receptionist who defied him. As he grabbed the phone, I ducked under his arm & ran out of the office, locking myself in my office. Then, the receptionist told me when it was safe, so I left the building & got in my car. I drove home, thinking what to do. I could certainly quit, but I would never feel safe again. Or, I could go to the police & get a restraining order. I did both, but the police called the FBI & told me to get an attorney. OH OH...talk about the High Road, but I still wasn't on it. The Attorney told me that I had to return to work the next day, pretending that nothing had happened. Meanwhile, actions were being taken by all the authorities. I honestly didn't believe I had the GUTS to walk back in that office & pretend like that, BUT I did. I can still see the look of the faces of everyone. There I was like nothing happened....ho hum. Then...two hours later it began....FBI agents, police, hospital administrators, yelling, screaming & yes, swearing at me. STILL NOT THE HIGH ROAD.... Everyone was fired but me. I was given two months off, but then told that I had to go back to work there for three months before they would give me a letter of recommendation. Again, I didn't think I could do it. Again, I was wrong about myself.... So, when someone asks me IF I can change my eating habits, give up sugar & junk food & walk a new path to permanent lifestyle change....I SAY...YES I CAN!