Saturday, November 17, 2012

Beneath the Pain Lives Joy...

It seems like yesterday that I was a baby sitting in my carriage & then a little girl....then a teenager....then a college graduate....then a married woman....then a mother....then ?

How time passes & how many memories are "contained" in that time. I come upon this subject today because of my commitment to NHBPM...I'm in the second week now...Day 9. BTW, the links to my eBooks, etc. are in the left hand column, so be sure to have a look at Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It HYPNOTICALLY.  There are 8 books in all....some with embedded mp3's.

Each day we are given a choice of two subjects to choose between. The first choice for today was about Creating a Community Care Package. Eh...didn't tweak my heart. Anyway,  I think I covered that yesterday. Of course, I could cheat & build on what I wrote. I'm excellent at cheating. Just ask my "disorderly eating issues." I'm a "headliner in cheating & hiding." But...that was long ago & I have no desire to go back to any of that. So...

Choice #2 - Tell a descriptive story about a memory.

OH GUSH!  As soon as I read that my memory bank went on "high alert"....and like a water faucet, the memories poured out, each one wanting to be chosen. I often call this "runaway brain syndrome", but today, I was honored that so many memories wanted to be written about. Now, I had to set up some criteria for choosing. I do take my writing seriously. If I'm going spend time compiling a descriptive story, then I want to choose well. After all, this is going to mean at least twenty minutes of my time.

 I thought about happy memories, teaching memories, early memories, those belonging to my teen & college years. Then came the marriage & mothering memories...each one certainly deserving consideration, BUT for some reason non of them wore the first place ribbon. I needed to look stood out...the memory of being told I had multiple pulmonary emboli when just the day before I had met a woman who had "one" pulmonary emboli & I remember telling myself that I "couldn't imagine having a life-threatening condition like that." The memory danced around in my head, but then the "memory door" opened & there it was. Standing all alone...the most important memory of all.

Let me share this with you, not because it comes into the sad category, because if we look closely together, I'll point out some other aspects & the very reason why this is the memory for this blog.

I invite you to enter my body & mind on this particular day. It was a fall day, quite like today. I always loved fall & missed it when we lived in Florida. On this day I'm standing outside a fieldstone church surrounded by trees & the last remnants of flowering bushes. A large SUV pulls up carrying the remains of my son Michael. I only knew this because I noticed the young funeral director driving into the parking lot. I walked away from my husband & greeted Tom.  "Is Michael with you?" I asked, thinking at that moment, "What a silly question." "Yes, he's in the back. Bill will help me bring him in." Bill was the man who performed the cremations. I'm sure I've written about him before.

I remember thinking, "How odd that this rings of such familiarity. Tom & Bill & Mike in the back of the SUV. One would hardly think we were talking about what we were talking about. Tom continued, "We'll bring Mike in & then we'll meet up in the chapel." I remember saying, "OK", as if there was anything else.

I've often written about "moments" when things change radically, like one's head spinning on the top of one's neck. One of these moments is about to happen, so if you are inside my body, you will sense it. In hypnotherapy we call this a "shift." Simple word for something very major.

I opened the door of the chapel & entered. In that very moment I realized that I had taken charge. Yes, I was Michael's Mother & I was going to continue to take care of him just like I had done from the moment I gave birth to him. I was no longer the victim of this tragedy. This was no longer about "how sad this was or what it had done to my family, or anything else." was all about Michael & how I was going to take care of this part of his life.  I had been very frightened of this moment, thinking that I wouldn't be able to do what I was being called upon to do. I remember thinking, "How could I? No one would blame me. I could just escape all of this. Even Tom told me that I didn't have to do anything. They would take "care of it." Of course they could. Isn't that the way in all aspects of life? Someone else CAN COME & RESCUE YOU or, if no one comes, you can just STAND THERE & DO NOTHING? Right...

Remember Bill? He didn't see it like this. He had pulled me aside a few days before, when Mike's body was still in transit from Colombia & told me, "You can do this & you will never, ever be sorry. I KNOW YOU CAN." It was Bill's voice we're hearing now as we walk towards the coffin holding Michael. Bill's voice, "You are Mike's Mother. Don't forget that. He depends on you to be there for him." And then, "I'll be there with you." What an incredible man. He said what no one else could have said to me, even those who love me. Here's the difference. My family would have allowed me to escape, but Bill gave me a certain a coach. This man who cremates people was coaching me to take my beloved son to that final place.

I remember explaining to my family that this was what I was going to do & they could either come or not. Of course they came. They stood by while Bill & I lit the candle & transferred the coffin. I was being Michael's mother....& this was the second time I felt the closest to my his birth when I held him in my arms for the very first time & in this incredible, blessed, spiritual moment when I held him in my heart. To be a Mother is to always Be a Mother & what a wonderful GIFT it is.

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