Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Self-Bully

I'm on Day 17 of the "Blog Quest." It's already evening & I'm not keen on having to write this. I fully intended to move through this in the morning, but "life" got in the way.

But, it was more than "life" was my "self-bully" & it is still here as I force myself to write this blog. I usually don't talk about this part very much, although I have mentioned it in passing. I don't keep emotional secrets from my groups, or from anyone. I did that in the past & paid the price....a very dear price.

 I just don't hang out my laundry every day...unless there is a reason. Today there is a reason... Day 17 Subject...List my strengths & weaknesses. OH this a coincidence or is my Spiritual Higher Part editing the subject list? OK...I'll take the bait. I could have skipped this & gone to the subject replacement list, but that would have been somewhat dishonest, since I've made the commitment to tell my Truth, so here it is.

I have a rather "toxic" SELF-BULLY. Like any other bully, it so enjoys "cornering me & letting me have it." Sometimes it's verbal & other times physical. Today it is both. It started early this morning & now it is evening & is still picking fights with me, disallowing me to be at peace. A few minutes ago it defied me to expose it to my blog. It told me that I'm such a loser & now everyone will know who I really am in real time. It is snarling as I write. I WRITE ANYWAY. I'M TAKING AWAY IT'S POWER NOW...RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT.

I attempted to do this several times today, but in order to do this I need quiet space. All inner battles are won in meditation & silence...going to the divine place & being with the Highest Part of the Self. Then, visualizing the ultimate peace & joy & then entering it. Staying there, as the black drops leave my finger tips, transmuting into golden flecks. I'm doing this now as I sit here. The SELF-BULLY has moved away from me...just slightly....eyeballing me, looking to notice if I'm really in the divine place. It is right not to believe or trust me because it knows my habits from the past. I would pretend to manage it by locking it in my mind-closet, but that is not the way. Locking the SELF-BULLY up simply makes it stronger.

My SELF-BULLY looks forward to the closet scenario because it loves to become stronger. Then, the next time it appears it will have a better strangle hold on me. So today was spent listening to it's vile tongue playing out in my thoughts, as I went through my busy day in a parallel existence to it. To get my full attention, it dropped a bottle of windex on my toe when I was emptying the cart in the crowded super-market line. I could see it waiting for my loud response, but I continued to stay parallel...which is sort of neutral, but not quite. In that mind-body position I can sense the body tension building.

This is not good, but unfortunately I couldn't move into the divine place at that time...of course I could have gone for a few moments, but that wasn't going to be enough to diminish this showing of the SELF-BULLY. When the BULLY is in power, or taking advantage, all sorts of things go wrong. This was what happened today. I had mp3 orders to fill & the software clogged up. It was one thing after another. The transfer system I use for sending mp3's upgraded their system, losing all of my stored files, contacts, etc. THE SELF-BULLY LOVED IT. Then, my darling grandsons came for a surprise visit, wanting to play some games I designed for them. My body became more & more tense.

THE SELF-BULLY LOVED IT, spewing nasty comments into my mind about what a bad person I was & how I can't manage my life, etc. Vile, vile. Then, I forgot the bed sheets & didn't get them into the dryer, meaning that I'd have to do all the beds in the evening that is reserved for my RIGHT NOW. My body aches from the tension that has built up throughout the day, but NOW....I have the upper-hand. I relax deeply into the moment. A very deep cleansing breath. Appreciating the good news that because I'm so tense & have put up with this negative part of me for the entire day,

I have a lot of energy to release & therefore transmute. That is the positive part of high stress levels. I go very deeply down...deeper than usual & as I go deeper, the Light of Divinity showers me, glad I'm here & knowing what I need. I'm washed in Light & I feel myself lifting off the chair. My heart is filled with love & joy....I know the Truth & I am no longer locked in the passionate prison that kept me prisoner for so long. I'm self-aware & know where "home" is located. I'm there now. As I stay in this wonderful environment, I'm reminded of the power of both strengths & weaknesses & how they both benefit. I DO GET IT. I notice the SELF-BULLY sitting over there, black drops dripping off it's fingertips that transmute into golden sprinkles.

I'm reminded that the weak part of me who pretends to be strong is also in need of traveling "home." I'm finally at peace... ~~~~~~~~~~~~

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