Secret Wishing

Most of the time we are not aware that we are on the path leading to illness. We wake up to the activity of our day, or I should say, "we wake up IN the activity of our day" because the mind and body are already well involved before the clock radio is called to action. While I know all of this, I'm no different from everyone else, therapist or not.

My recent illness was both a surprise and not a surprise. I was expecting it, actually wondering where it was. My breakneck pace of life that always seems to be my response to additional stressors had brought me back to areas "less visited" during my more balanced days where addictions and compulsions stayed away without a fight.

As I lay here, I'm thinking that I probably had been secretly wishing to be ill. At least I would be forced to do nothing. Over the years, I'd cleared out most of my addictions and they no longer held the same love appeal, but the old programmed mind wanted to hang out anyway, like a big tease. Now I find their presence annoying, preferring to escape through sleep instead of through a plate of ice cream.

It's been a full day since my inner visit. I've thought about it and now wonder if it was simply my fever breaking. I hope not. The last time this happened for me was several decades ago when I was seriously ill and my life seriously shifted. I'm hoping there are other doors, other than illness, that will keep me connected. As a therapist, I believe and practice meditation, but this place is something more and I WANT IT. Oh, how typical of me. Just like a child stamping her foot, demanding that she be given what she wants.

As the image of my outrageous child matures, I find myself laughing at her ridiculous patterns. The voice from nowhere or somewhere else responds with gentle demeanor "Ask politely." Once again I feel tension draining from my body, as if I'm back in that chair that pulls me down. While I'm delighted to be back, I'm wondering if this inner traveling will be interrupting my day whenever it wants to. Certainly that can't be a good thing. How will I ever get anything done? Or, maybe I'm sicker than I believe and these visiting images are active delusions, setting me up for some serious medication.

Stop now. It's time to give it all up...all the hindrances that have blocked for decades. Give them up? Goodness, I'll be empty! It's obvious in this moment that I have a liking for the most miserable parts of myself. The idea of releasing them, just letting them go is more unsettling than my fever-pitched headache.

Question time. Where would I begin? Answers coming even before the questions fully materialize. Yes, I remember this happening before and it was enjoyable, at least then. Let's see how it feels now. The headache opens and I'm already inside the corridor, back in the chair, surrounded by teachers I can't see or hear, but somehow I know who they are. Some are very old and wise, others younger, perhaps seeking their own spiritual merit badges through their work with me. Somehow I'm remembering the time I went to have my hair colored at the local beauty school and realizing what a mistake that was, but for some reason that experience doesn't mesh with this. I'm accepting what's about to happen before it happens. It feels comfortable.

The answers flow. There is no beginning and no ending, just Knowledge and the experience it lends. The Universe is eternal and fluid. Everything experienced of this so called life plan is an illusion. So, let me get this straight. Nothing is real?

It's made clear to me, and not for the first time, that life is like a big story book that can be edited both past, present and future. And, since this my story book, I'm invited to do the editing, along with Universal Guidance. There are no mistakes, nothing to forgive, nothing to fear. A pile of fresh-start clean slates are always available. Yes, I've known this for a very long time, but for some reason it feels new again. Perhaps I've entered through a different door and the clarity that I'm experiencing is moving me up to a higher level.

Checking in on my headache and can't find it, so this is also good news. I'm wondering how to proceed, when the answer is presented before the question is fully formed. I come to know that I am already proceeding and yes, I will be interrupted many times, just as a pilot needs to keep checking, perhaps re-adjusting the positioning of his plane. The life that my body and mind are experiencing are tantamount to a big school, where the teachers are all spiritual in nature. Some appearing in bodies and some not. I'm now plugged in, meaning that I am on an accelerated path. I'm excited by the possibilities, but also feel myself holding back, not wanting to open everything at the same time.

I'll be communicating through inner journaling, as well as straight-forward mind-chat. I know where I want to begin, but I also accept that perhaps I don't know what is best. We'll see.