The Self With Two Faces

Approaching my journaling with a reminder of the importance of meditating regularly and asking the mind to go deeper than before. This deepening takes me well below all the emotional garbage that is strewn in my current reality. Much of it has been blocking my creativity and spiritual connections. Just the opposite of what I want. I'm eager to work with my emotional childSelves, but desire to do this at a spiritual level and not from my ego-Self. The first is powerful, creative and healing; the latter offers little of anything.

I'm surprised at my level of anger, as well as the anger than surrounds me. As I become more aware, it's seems like a plague. I've decided to shut off the TV and to stop reading the newspaper for now. Then there are the others who are so contaminated with anger. It's so clear to me now....their "operating systems." My reaction in the past was to move into my defensive mode, fighting to the finish. This is a very unhealthy pattern, one I'm interested in deflating or breaking completely. Of course I realize this is a lot to ask, but I'm asking anyway.

Before meditating...

I'm going to use a technique from my past that worked quite well for me. I call it the "garbage can." Opening my journal, pen on paper, requesting the pen to locate anything and everything that is blocking my mind today. Just a quick mention is all that is needed. The power of awareness. Noticing and releasing, leaving the creative space open. Inviting the Self to enter deeper levels. Lots of junk today. As the pen puts it to paper, all seems rather ridiculous. I've always had a churning mind, even as a child. I feel like I'm vomiting some of this. Some of the same themes hit the paper. First it's the "to do lists"...the never ending "to do lists." But there is more. Here come the things that want to be on the to-do list but haven't been listed as yet. In a way, they drive me crazier than the actual list. Constant shuffling. Never a moment of peace. Needing and fighting to win agreements, things that are wrong with our house, being interrupted and tensing my body as I pretend that it doesn't bother me, which it always does. That's a laugh unto itself. That part of me is hyper-active, just waiting for that button to be pushed. Here comes some more. The need to exercise at a higher level, walk further, harder, push those weights, setting more goals than I could achieve in a life-time. Here they come...the never ending goals, some as dreams, others in parts like wounded soldiers, goals carrying lists, goals pounding on my mind, goals, goals, goals. Goals choking me. Never, ever finished and never will be. I feel the anger rising in my throat...leave me alone. But, they won't because I'm addicted to them, just like my eating disorder. I hate them, but I love them for they are what I am. How sick is this? My "journal master" says nothing. It's as if I never spoke. Feeling like a crazy person needing some sort of restraint. Restraint? Of course. My eating disorder. That is a restraint. Yes, I know all about restraints... I'm requested to "shhhhhh" now...

Meditating and deepening...

"Garbage can" away... following my "master", going deeply into the chair, utilizing the "deeper down dial" that works so well, especially when debris has been removed. The regular dial has five levels, but I an requested to go deeper today where I can enter levels of my spirituality and creativity that have been absent from my life for so long. A special gift, rewarding me for working in this very difficult area and not backing away. Thank you. It feels good to go deeper and the journey is rather speedy, like the express elevator in a tall building. Passing floors that have no purpose for today. Perhaps another day, but not today. I'm grateful, for I am really tired from shoveling garbage.

Arrival...

The elevator door opens and the "Light" greets me. I want to bask in it. I need to, but I'm moved along. The message is "that I don't need anything." I just think I do. I have everything inside of me, including my Highest Spiritual Nature. Sensing a spring breeze touching the top of my head. It's been so long since I've felt a breeze. I've been out of touch, blocked by so much debris and anger, not even noticing. Asleep for it. Like being in a smoke-filled room, unconscious and smothered with the poisonous gas.

Waking up is both delightful and challenging. Asking to see the blockage means being willing to look with acceptance. Not a strong suit for me. I've been fighting for so long. No wonder I'm tired. My biggest opponent is me, mySelf and that part comes towards me. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. She is beautiful and ugly, like someone with two distinct faces. I tear as I write this. Something touching my soul. I feel so sorry for her, yet I admire and love her at the same time. Like a mixing bowl of emotions, all releasing themselves. Goodness...

The children come forward carrying their toys. Seeing them in a new light now. Understanding their meaning and importance to the protection and release for the child who had no other way. But, I am no longer that child and so the release must be re-designed. The part of me with two faces shows me some of the ways I've collected anger and how I handled or tried to release it. Try is the operative word, because it was impossible to truly release my anger with inefficient or addictive tools. Instead, they destroyed me further. Now, the two faces me is showing me a living diorama that displays how I even enjoy the anger. Giving permission for entering addiction.

Additional parts of my life experience are becoming clear, like a fog lifting. Realizing much more is opening to me now. I'm grateful, for this is very fertile ground for creative planting.